Nine Kinds of Pain
by thatTWWgirl
Summary: When he's asked to the White House, Stanley Keyworth presumes the task in front of him to be quite straightforward. But while building a comprehensive case on Josh Lyman, he discovers someone who might be just as in need of help: the man's wife.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Don't be mad guys. It's like that old saying "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." Except, it's "Don't cry because she hasn't finished her other stories, smile because she has a new one to torture you with."**

 **Honestly though, guys. I couldn't help myself with this one. And it's for the holidays!**

 **I won't give anything away yet, I'll let you read the first two chapters ;) But at the end of those, I'll tell you what's going on and (some of) what my plans are.**

 **I love you all. Thanks for bearing with me, yet again.**

 **Rating: T?**

 **Reviews: They make my day. All day, every day.**

 **Disclaimer: None of these lovely characters are mine. If they were, they'd be so much happier. Not as entertaining, but happier.**

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

Stanley Keyworth looks up from the table where he'd put up shop in the West Wing at the soft knock on the door. A young blonde woman enters and smiles at him meekly before closing the door behind her.

"You must be Dr. Keyworth."

"Call me Stanley. You must be Donna." He notes the circles under her eyes.

"Yes. Nice to meet you." She takes his hand politely before sitting down across from him.

"I've spoken to many of your coworkers in the past few days." He looks down at his notes. "CJ Cregg, Toby Zeigler, Sam Seaborn. Have they told you anything about how this works?"

She doesn't quite meet his eyes. "A little."

"Well, it shouldn't be too hard. I've just got a few questions for you, about Josh. I don't want you to feel like this is prosecutorial, because we're just trying to help him."

"Right. Yes, of course."

"I understand that you're the one that brought Leo's attention to the matter."

She nods tightly. "Well, someone had to."

"You didn't think it would resolve itself?"

"I, um. No. I was worried it wouldn't."

"Okay. And you wanted to hand it off to someone who could deal with it?"

She bristles, as he'd expected her to. "No! I mean, yes. I wasn't foisting him off on anyone, you know. It's just that he's rather stubborn, and well, he wasn't exactly going to deal with it unless confronted, so, yes. I wanted some... Help."

He nods, jotting something down. "Understandable. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you."

She takes a stiff breath. "It's fine."

"How old are you?"

"I'm sorry?"

"How old are you, Donna?"

"I don't understand how that's relevant."

"I'm just trying to get a picture of things. The dynamic, around here, you might say."

She just out her chin bravely. "Twenty-five."

Stanley nods stoically, not betraying a thing. "That's quite young."

"Quite young for what?"

"I don't know. Quite young to be dealing with all this, that's all."

"I'm perfectly capable."

"I'm sure you are."

She blinks, taking a moment to rein herself in. "Right. Right, well, ask me anything you want."

"How old is Josh?"

She looks deeply irritated again. "Don't you have that information?"

"Well, yes. I suppose I could look for it." He makes a big show of moving aside a large pile of folders and papers.

She exhales in frustration. "Thirty-five! He's thirty-five."

"Ah. I see." He doesn't say anything beyond that. "Your friends have been helpful, of course. Very helpful. But I'm hoping you'll offer me the most insight."

"And why is that?"

"Well, you spend the most time with him."

"Yes. I do."

"You're married to him."

"Yes. I am."

"Don't you think that affords some insight?"

She snorts primly. "You'd be surprised." Stanley merely looks at her. She seems to realize what she's been conveying throughout the interview, and quickly humbles herself. She folds her arms and looks down at the table. "I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"I really do want to be helpful."

"I know you do."

"I really do want to help him. I want him to get better. I want..." She trails off before continuing in a near whisper. "I just want him back."

Stanley nods, jotting something else down. "Well. That's what I'm here for."

XXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

Stanley is growing frustrated. He knew when most people had begun their description of the guy with "What you've gotta understand about Josh is..." that he would be working on quite the character, but this is just getting ridiculous! He's already endured an hour of the guy's snarky answers, his avoidance, his misdirection. God, it's Christmas Eve. Doesn't he want to go home, too?

Of course, it is all indicative of the pain he is in. But still. Stanley decides to pull out the big guns.

"So I understand that you're married."

Josh looks up at him sharply. "Yeah, I am. So?"

"I spoke to your wife a few days ago. A charming woman."

Josh glares at him. _She spoke to him?_ Evidently, he hadn't been the only one hiding things in this marriage. "Did you, now?"

"She's very young. Beautiful, too."

"Okay, man, that's my wife-"

"I'm just pointing it out. You're very different."

Josh gives him another twisted smirk. "You're saying I'm not beautiful?"

"I'm saying you're an interesting pair."

Josh's voice climbs in volume and pitch. "If you're trying to imply that she's a trophy wife-"

"I never said that."

Josh swallows his indignation. "Well, good. She's not."

"Okay."

"I'm not that kind of guy."

"I'm sure."

"Well... Good."

"How did you meet?"

"I'm sorry?"

"Your wife. How did you meet her?"

"I don't understand what the fuck this has to do with-"

"If you wouldn't mind watching your language."

"I'm saying it's got nothing to do with why we're here."

"I'd say the most important relationship in your life has plenty to do with why you're here. She's your family, and your support network. At least, I'd assume so."

Josh nods almost imperceptibly.

"Well, okay then. I think it's relevant to getting a full picture of your well-being."

Josh looks out the window. "The campaign. We met on the campaign."

"She worked on the campaign?"

"Yeah."

"What did she do?"

"She was, um, an assistant."

"To who?"

"It's to whom."

"I'm sorry?"

"To whom. Not to who."

"Well, okay. To whom?"

Josh coughs. "To me."

"I see."

"Listen, it's not what you're thinking, okay? It wasn't like that."

"I didn't say anything."

"You didn't have to."

"She's very worried about you, you know. Donna."

Josh runs a hand through his hair, and smiles wryly. "Yeah, well. She has a funny way of showing it."

"What do you mean?"

"Nothing."

"I understand you have a son."

"Yeah, I do." Stanley recognizes the slight puffing up as Josh says this, noticeable only to a fellow father. "Noah."

"How old is he?"

"Sixteen months."

"Hm. Good age."

"Yeah."

"How long have you been married?"

"Why are you asking me this?"

"You probably wouldn't buy that I'm planning an anniversary gift."

"Stanley-"

"Josh, I'm going to ask you questions. And you're going to answer them. That's how this works."

"This is ridiculous-"

"You've got a young wife, and a young son. Now maybe I'm too modern, but I'm just wondering what made you want to get a jump on things, when the two of you obviously could've waited a few years."

"Don't talk about him like that."

"Who?"

"My son! Like he's, I don't know, a burden! Something we could've pushed aside and waited a few years for! Something we didn't want!"

"I'm sorry."

"We got married because she was pregnant, okay? Are you happy? We got married because she was pregnant."

Stanley nods, in that way he's sure Josh finds irritating beyond belief. "Yes, Josh. Yes, you did."

He knows why Josh doesn't care how late he gets home tonight. It's because there's no one there.

 **XXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

 **Sorry to leave you this way! But you'll be glad to see I've already posted chapter two - at the end of which, I kind of sort of explain what's going on.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Here's chapter two! It isn't sequentially related to the last chapter, so I hope that doesn't confuse you.**

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

Josh was highly suspicious of the whole Donna Moss thing that began to happen to him in February of 1998. The girl had blown into his office and his life, and fought for a place in both.

He liked her immediately. That much was clear to him. What wasn't so clear was the extent of his feelings beyond that.

He hadn't much taken advantage of the dating scene in college, as many of his peers had seemed to. He was too busy. He was working on papers and studying, securing internships and working at them nonstop until he was put on salary, he was impressing important people and making a name for himself. Sure, he had a few passing romances. Mostly, he would just find himself on a date or two with a classmate, or having a brief fling with an older woman on the campaign who thought he was cute. (Thank god Mandy hadn't figured out Sarah Wissinger's origin story).

He tried not to notice that with Donna, a second chance had fallen right into his lap.

She was a beautiful girl, not fresh out of college but an age where she might as well have been. She was enthusiastic and fierce, and she made him feel that youthful thrill that he thought maybe he'd missed out on, all those years spent in the library. She was idealistic and curious, always orbiting around him with those big eyes and a million questions.

He was attracted to her, of course. Who wasn't? That much was easy to ignore. It was inappropriate, after all. He was her boss. And beyond that, he had Mandy, who was a perfectly adequate campaign romance. They fought, they fucked, they'd be over by November. What was wrong with that?

What wasn't so easy to ignore was that he wasn't just attracted to her. He enjoyed their every interaction. He found himself spending more and more time with her, whether work necessitated it or not. He liked talking to her, and asking her questions. He liked listening to her talk, and hearing her stories - he even liked telling her about himself, which was rare.

He tried to ignore that his urges were not just those to push her up against a wall, but to push the hair out of her eyes. To wrap his arms around her waist. To make her smile and laugh. He wanted to watch her fall asleep and wake up, to pull her closer to him at night.

Now that was much harder to ignore.

He thought that he was finally done with it when he played his messages one morning, and Donna froze in the corner of his office at the loud, drunken voice that issued from the machine.

"Hey Donna it's me. Your sister gave me this number. I've been trying to contact you for weeks, but I can't... You haven't... Never mind. Just, listen, if you get this... I want you back. I need you back. Please, I was so stupid, and I miss you so much, and I love you. I really, really love you, babe. Please come back. Please call me."

The silence that followed was deafening. Josh walked out, leaving her there without looking at her.

He was pissed at himself, because _of course_. He didn't know how he could be so stupid. She was a twentysomething girl, and a flighty one at that. He couldn't expect her to stay. She'd joined the campaign on a whim, and now she would quit on one. He didn't know why he'd ever thought anything else.

He spent the next few days freezing her out, hoping that by the time she left, he wouldn't care.

Finally she cornered him later in the week, demanding to know what was wrong with him. He wouldn't give, but it didn't matter. She knew.

"For fuck's sake, Josh! I'm not going back to him! I'm staying here!" She'd glared at him. "Now if you would just let it go-"

"It's perfectly okay if you want to leave, you know. You've done well. Really, you have. And if you want to go back to him-"

"I don't!"

"You don't?"

"No! God, I've only been trying to tell you that all week."

And he was so relieved, he'd let his guard down. He gave into one of his urges: He kissed her.

And that was that.

They were happy, they really were. The thrill of a new romance, and one unfolding on the campaign trail at that, was enough to keep them enamored for months. They'd work together all day (though she technically didn't work for him anymore), and then spend the nights together, talking and blowing off steam. Everyone seemed to think they'd get sick of each other eventually, given how much time they spent together, but no such luck. They stayed obnoxiously in love.

Even their petty arguments, resultant of long days on the bus or at events, were adorable.

It made Mandy's blood boil, and CJ had been a little miffed about the whole thing at first, but it was worth it. You were always bound to make a few people unhappy, Josh figured. And as long as it wasn't the beautiful blonde he was spending his nights with, he wasn't too worried.

He was still a little suspicious, of course. Because she was flighty. She'd just gotten out of a two year relationship, that still wasn't quite resolved, and she was so _young_. He doubted she had any permanent ideas about the two of them, and if she did, they were subject to change.

Or so he told himself. He wasn't sure he believed it. She was, after all, more level headed than he'd ever been, even if she was a bit of a quirk. But that was how he protected himself.

She made him happy. But there was no way it would last.

He realized he was wrong, and that it wasn't going anywhere any time soon, that summer. It was the night his father died.

He found he didn't want to be around anyone, but he didn't want to be alone. She was the only company he could stand to keep. She held the pieces together, and even helped him feel a little less terrible.

A campaign fling would've ducked out the moment things got tough. She didn't.

She offered to come with him. He feebly protested that she didn't need to, but couldn't deny that he wanted her to. So she came.

Though the circumstances were less than ideal, she met his mother. Despite being laden with grief, Ruth managed a brief double take when he introduced the two of them.

"Mom, this is Donna."

Her watery eyes had widened like saucers. "But, she's gorgeous!" She'd blurted, as if she was surprised by this fact.

The two got along well. When not overcome with grief, Josh managed to marvel at how amazing Donna was throughout the whole trip. Not only was she comforting a grieving widow she'd never met, but she was holding together a man she'd known for four months like she'd known him forever, _and_ keeping up with the campaign all the while.

And that was when he knew there was no going back.

Ruth told her during their goodbyes that Noah would've loved to meet her.

She was family now. And that was that.

Donna had had her reservations about Josh from the start too, of course. She was beyond irritated that she liked him. She had just gotten out of a horrible two year relationship, and wanted to take time for herself. She wanted to pursue her passions, and work hard, and fight for a cause bigger than herself.

None of that plan involved _romance_.

And it was just too convenient! The first person she'd had contact with on the campaign, and she just so happened to fall for him? She didn't think so. She didn't trust herself, and figured it was just her emotional fragility wreaking havoc.

But that became harder to believe. He was just so cute, and obnoxious, and funny, and smart, and cute, which to her was worth reiterating. She managed to placate herself with an assurance that he would never show an interest in her. He had degrees from two Ivy Leagues, and she was a college dropout. They couldn't be more different.

He surprised her. He actually listened to her, even if only to argue with her. He seemed to value her input as much as anyone else on the campaign. He bothered to learn about her, and seemed deeply amused and intrigued by any stories about her upbringing. He even shared a few details about himself, that he acted like he never divulged. Which she didn't quite believe - enough guys had pulled that one on her in the past.

But then he'd told her late one night about his sister, without looking at her, and she knew he was genuine.

When he'd kissed her, she was thrilled. She tried to keep her excitement at bay, and remind herself of all the reasons to be cautious. Roy - "Dr. Freeride." The plan for self improvement. Their difference in education, and in age.

But she couldn't help it.

Sometimes she worried that he only wanted her for one thing. But then he'd flash her that goofy smile from across the office, and her doubts would fade.

Her love was undeniable after he'd taken her with him to Connecticut. She loved his mother, and had no doubt she would've loved his father too. But most importantly, she loved him. And he seemed to love her too. You don't cart along someone you don't care about to your father's funeral, after all.

He told her he loved her on the plane ride back.

And it really was just too convenient, that the first man she'd meet on the campaign would be the love of her life. But he was.

And that was that.

And then there was Noah.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

"Alright, Congressman, we'll count on you for that. Okay, thanks. Yupp, you too." Josh ushered Congressman Jackson out of his office in the transition building, grateful he'd finally gotten the man to shut up. He turned around to find his girlfriend standing nearby, staring at him. He smiled. "Oh, hey."

"Hi." She said, barely audible.

"How long have you been there?"

"Fifteen minutes."

"Why didn't you sit down?"

"I need to talk to you."

"Okay. What about?"

"We need to go somewhere."

"What?"

"We need to go somewhere. To talk."

"How about... My office?" He looked at her curiously. She was acting very strangely.

"No. No, c'mon."

"Um, okay. I have a meeting in ten minutes."

"Come on." She repeated as though she hadn't heard him. She marched out of the office, not waiting for him to follow. He jogged to catch up, getting increasingly nervous.

He followed her out to the parking lot, where she turned around a few times aimlessly.

"Donna, you're really starting to-"

"Your car."

"What?"

"Your car. Where is it?"

"It's over there. Are you okay?"

"Unlock it."

He did as asked, and watched as she climbed in the passenger side. He made his way over and got in the driver's seat. He intended to start in on asking her what the hell was going on, but something in her face stopped him.

She stared straight ahead, her eyes far away. She drew her legs up into the seat and hugged them to her.

Gently, he began, "Donna, c'mon, what's wrong? You're freaking me out."

"I'm pregnant." She said with no preamble. She didn't look at him for a moment, as though all of her energy had been exhausted with those two words.

"You're... What?"

"Pregnant." She repeated.

"But that's..." _Ridiculous_ , he wanted to say. "You're not."

"I am." She refuted, tonelessly.

"No. There's no way." He shook his head in disbelief. _She couldn't be_. They'd been careful. "You can't be."

She rested her forehead against her knees, her voice coming out muffled. "Election night."

His stomach dropped. Because that made sense. "You're sure? I don't really remember what we did, to be honest."

She laughed dryly. "Don't you think that's pretty telling?"

They'd actually spent a lot of time in bed on Election Day. They'd both been stressed, and he in particular. She'd taken it upon herself to relieve some of this stress, and to ease the burden on the other staffers by getting him out of the room every so often.

But that wasn't the problematic part. What was problematic was what happened after they'd called the election at ten that night, and they'd started celebrating. They'd done shots (It took only a few to get Josh drunk, and another hour after that to get Donna equally inebriated). He didn't remember much about the night past that, other than that their dancing had gotten a little dirty and CJ had ordered them to get a room.

"I, um. Uh. You're sure?" He felt light headed. He could feel his heartbeat. The world outside the car seemed very, very disconnected from the one within.

"As sure as four pregnancy tests can make someone." She finally looked at him, her nerves betrayed by her worried eyes.

He tried to give her some sort of reassuring look. As if he had any better grasp on the situation than she did. "Um, I... Wow."

"Yeah."

He reached out tentatively to take one of her hands. "Okay. Okay, so, you're pregnant." He was still trying to process this fact.

Maybe it was the shame she was carrying, but she felt an overwhelming urge to apologize. She tried to fight it back. She'd done nothing wrong, she reminded herself. "I'm sorry," she said finally, the words choked.

Roy would've wanted her to apologize, she knew.

Josh, on the other hand, just stared at her. "What the hell do you have to be sorry for?"

"I don't know."

"You didn't do anything wrong."

"I know."

"It was both of us."

"Right."

" _I'm_ sorry. You're the one that's dealing with it. At least, most... directly."

She started to cry, and then grew furious with herself for doing so. She kicked the dashboard in frustration. "God dammit!"

"Hey, c'mon, it's not that bad." He said, though he didn't seem all that convinced.

"It's not that." She choked out. "I just thought I wasn't that girl anymore!"

"What girl?"

"The girl! The one that goes and gets herself knocked up! Everyone always thought I would be, you know, for years. And then I was with Roy, and they all thought, well, it's only a matter of time now! But I got out. I got out!" She repeated, desperately. "I thought I was proving them wrong."

"Donna..." He looked at her with a pity that twisted her stomach. "I'm sure no one actually thought that about you."

"Yes, they did!" She remembered being sixteen, and breaking down crying in Ms. Morello's class because she was four days late and she'd trusted stupid Billy Feichter when he said he'd pull out. She felt the same helplessness that had overcome her then beginning to do the same now. She drew her knees closer to her again. "I don't want to be that girl again!"

"You're _not_ that girl."

"Yes, I am."

"No, you're not, okay? C'mon. You _have_ proved them wrong. You work for the fucking President, Donna. You've worked so hard. Honestly, you've done so much. That girl that dropped out of college? That's not who you are anymore."

His words helped. She realized he was right. She wasn't the same girl. And if she'd been in this situation even a year earlier, her boyfriend at the time certainly wouldn't have gone to the same lengths to reassure her. "Then why is this happening?"

"I don't know." He admitted.

For some reason, she found the irony particularly funny in that moment. She'd left her stupid drunken boyfriend (and the long line of idiots before him), and now she was with the most intelligent man in her romantic history, and he still didn't know jack shit about how to handle the situation.

A smile bubbled uncontrollably at her lips. "I mean, you shack up with a Fulbright scholar, and you stop worrying about these sort of things!"

Relieved she was attempting to lighten the conversation, at last, he too cracked a smile. "Yeah, well. Unfortunately we Fulbrights are as equally susceptible to alcohol and blondes as the idiots of the world."

"You are one of the idiots of the world."

"I knew you'd say that."

The gravity of the situation settled on them again. Outside, snow began to fall thickly. She took a deep breath. "So, what do we do?"

He seemed panicked by her direction of these words at him. "I don't know."

"Well. That makes two of us." She bit her bottom lip. "We're not exactly ready."

"No, we're not."

"We're not married."

"Nope."

"It's a terrible time. The administration is just starting."

"This is true."

She felt increasingly claustrophobic as they listed all the factors going against them. "And you're not ready to be a father."

"I could be." He blurted without thinking. She looked at him sharply, and he cleared his throat. "I, um, I could be. You know, by the time the... Baby... Gets here." He appeared to have hesitation saying the word. Waiting for her response, he dug his keys out of his pocket and turned on the car to keep them warm. He found himself more worried about her comfort than usual.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, I don't know. It's not like it's ever going to be a good time, with us, and what we do. And it's not like I'm ever going to be... You know, completely ready. But I could try. I could learn to work less, and come home. I could do, I dunno, diapers. I could get up with it, I mean him, or her, at two in the morning. I'm, you know, pretty good at functioning on very little sleep."

"You are." She concurred, unsure where he was going with this. There was a fierce light building in his eyes, the anxiety slowly diminishing.

"I could baby proof the apartment. We could turn the spare room into a nursery, you know. And I could learn to watch my language, and drive slower, and..." He trailed off, his voice softening. "I really could be a good father."

He seemed almost defensive, and she realized her earlier statement might have offended him. She'd only meant to give him an easy out. "You could."

"Yeah. We could..." He sighed and ran a hand over his face. "We could be a family."

She felt warmer, then. She pulled his hand away from his face and clasped it in both of hers. "But... Do you want to? Now?"

"I mean..." He cast an apprehensive look at her. Now that he was thinking about the very real possibility of being a father, the idea that that possibility might be taken from him felt like a physical blow. He didn't want to be robbed of the life he'd begun to imagine. He knew they could have all of it in the future, but... When he glanced over at her, to her where he knew their tiny, imperceptible child was, he thought maybe he wanted it now. He wanted _this_ baby. Not a hypothetical one. "I mean, yeah. Yeah, I do."

She looked at him in surprise. "Wow."

"But I mean, obviously that's not all there is to it." He pressed on hurriedly. "You might not be ready. And you're the one carrying it, after all."

She smiled. For the first time, the thought that she was carrying a living thing inside her truly set in. And it filled her with awe, now, rather than dread. Because she was carrying _his_ child. And she'd never before been more in love with him than she was at that moment. "I'm ready."

"You are?" His eyebrows rose, hope filling his expression.

"I can be."

"Really?"

"If you can make the great sacrifice of _swearing less_ , I think I can manage to take on motherhood." She said sarcastically.

He grinned. "Are you sure? After all, you're pretty-"

"Don't say it."

"-young."

"I'm sure, Josh. If you're in, I'm in."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Why the hell not?"

They laughed, and then they cried a little. And that is how they entered parenthood: in his car, with snow collecting on the windshield, totally unprepared for what was ahead of them. And the world outside was miles away.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXXxxXxXxXx

 **Okay, so, how do you feel? Confused? Strange? Sticky?**

 **The plan for this story is for every other chapter to have a scene between Stanley and Donna, followed by a scene between Stanley and Josh, and then have the chapters in between be flashbacks/background.**

 **Toward the end of the story, that format may change, especially as we see the events that transpire after the ATVA meeting. But for now, let's go with it.**

 **If you're wondering what the hell is going on with Stanley's weirdly personal questions, I won't explain what he's getting at just yet. I'm hoping to reveal that later. The way those scenes were written in the show, we didn't quite know where Stanley was going until he got there. That's kind of what I'm trying to do, for suspense.**

 **Also, if it seems like I've kind of randomly sewn two separate stories together, I get that. But I actually conceived of this as one unified story, and my hope is that it comes together more and more as we go along.**

 **If ya don't get it at the end, don't worry, I'll do an annoying summing up bit, like JD on Scrubs ;)**

 **I'll also be transitioning more and more from heavy flashback oriented chapters and skimpy present day (or, well, Noël-timed) chapters to shorter flashback chapters and longer present ones.**

 **Anyway, love you all! Thanks for reading, as always! I hope you stay tuned. Leave reviews with all your first impressions, I'm dying to know!**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Hey guys! Thanks for all of the great feedback on my first two chapters! I really appreciate it. I got a lot of encouragement, and only a little confusion! Which was better than expected ;)**

 **I'm sure these first few chapters are hard, because I've purposefully left a lot of ambiguity. It's so against my nature! Even I'm annoyed! I want to just explain everything agh! Hopefully my quick updates will help counteract that. I want this to be a complete, cohesive story as soon as possible.**

 **Anyway, you guys are the wind beneath my (west) wings, as always, and I hope you enjoy these rapid fire chapters!**

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

Stanley's questions are halted by a knock at the door. The press secretary, who he'd spoken to yesterday, peers around the door, holding a toddler on one hip. She smiles apologetically. "I'm sorry to interrupt. Donna? He's fussing."

Donna frowns, and gets out of her seat to hurry over to them. "Is he tired?"

"I don't know." CJ appears relieved to foist the baby off onto his mother.

"Hungry?"

"I don't know."

"Hot?"

"I really did try."

Donna smiles and starts bouncing him softly. "It's okay. I'll take him." She turns to look at Stanley. "If that's okay?"

"Of course."

"I tried giving him over to Sam, but he's, um... They're in the Oval. All of them."

A flicker of doubt crosses Donna's face as she works her way back to her seat, still bouncing Noah gently. "Okay. Thanks, CJ."

"No problem. I'll, um, get out of your hair." She backs out the door, avoiding eye contact with Stanley.

"Bye." Donna resumes her seat, settling Noah in her lap. He makes another soft whining noise before finally ceasing, staring across the table at Stanley.

"Josh couldn't take him?"

"Hm?"

"Josh couldn't watch Noah?"

"He's working."

"Right."

"I mean, sometimes he does take him to the office. But, I don't know. I didn't want to ask today."

"Why not?"

"Because, what am I supposed to say? 'Can you watch our son while I go talk to a psychologist about how you're going off the rails?'" She flushes.

It's obvious to Stanley that something more is at work here. "He doesn't know you're here?"

"Well, no."

"He'll have to find out eventually."

"I know that."

Stanley sighs. "Okay. Why don't we get back on track?"

Donna nods. "That would be good."

Stanley notices that the little boy is beginning to fade, his eyes drooping. He falls back against his mother, and she repositions him automatically. "When did you first notice something was wrong?"

She keeps her gaze focused on her son. "I don't know. A few weeks ago? Maybe three?"

"And what did you notice?"

She takes her time in responding. "Oh... I don't know. It was a lot of little things, I guess."

"Like what?"

"Like..." She purses her lips. "I don't know. He was moody. More than usual, anyway. He came home later. He would get up in the night. He stopped, um... He wasn't..." She shakes her head. She doesn't know how to articulate the way he'd changed. The way his eyes stopped lighting up when she walked in a room. The way he laughed less. _It's stupid,_ she decides. "That's it."

"Are there any instances in particular that you remember?"

"There was that first day. The day that Robert Cano died. And, you know, he had an outburst about..."

"Sirens?"

"Yeah. Sam told me."

"What do you remember about that day?"

"Well, I wasn't there for most of it." She'd called. He hadn't picked up. "But, when I did see him... He wasn't himself."

"What do you mean?"

She ignores this question, caught in the memory. "And it was the same when he came home. He didn't want to talk about it. He just completely shut down."

"And he normally talks to you? Confides in you about things, I mean?"

She glares at him defensively. "I'm his wife."

"That's not a guarantee."

"Yes, he does! He tells me everything, okay? Or, he used to." She distracts herself again by rocking her son, probably more fervently than she realizes.

"Used to?"

"I told you! He hasn't been himself."

"So what did he do, that night? When he got home?"

"Well, we went to bed."

"And that's all?"

"I put Noah down."

"And that's all?"

"Well he... Well, we..." A blush is blossoming across her face and neck, and she flicks her gaze to her sleeping son.

"You had sex."

She bites her lip. "Well, yes."

"I'll assume he initiated?"

She seems flustered by the fact that this is something he can assume. "Yes. He did."

"It's not uncommon for people going through things like this to use sex as a distraction."

"He doesn't use me as a _distraction_." She says, appalled.

"Surely you'll agree that it's better than alcohol or drugs."

"Well, sure, but-"

"You knew, didn't you? You knew that's what he was doing."

She bites her lip again, her rocking of her son slowly halting. "When you love someone..."

"Yes?"

"You do whatever you can to make them feel better." She looks up at him from across the table, daring him to contradict her.

Stanley nods and writes something down, allowing her a moment to collect herself. "And you feel that you've been doing all you can?"

"I..." She takes a deep breath. "Yes."

She doesn't seem entirely convinced. "And how has all of this affected Noah?"

"It hasn't. I haven't let it."

"Has Josh been able to keep up parental duties in the past few weeks?"

She smiles softly. "He'd hate that."

"What?"

"Calling it a 'duty.' He'd hate that. Like it isn't something you do because you want to."

"What I meant was-"

"I know what you meant. And, no. He's tried, but..."

"But he's been unable?"

"He hasn't even really been around enough to be a father lately." She says before she can stop herself. Immediately after, she seems to regret it. "What I meant was-"

"Is he usually around? Is he usually a dedicated father?"

"Yes." She says, the defensive tone creeping back into her voice.

"I'm just asking."

"He wasn't ready to be a parent, you know. And I wasn't either. But we do our best." She gazes warmly, if a little guiltily, at her son. "We do our best." She repeats softly.

"I'm sure you do."

"You wouldn't have guessed it when I met him, but he really went above and beyond the call when I got pregnant. He was great. He cut back his hours, he really got himself together, he went to every appointment. And after Noah was born, he was just..." She smiles again. "Great. Really, he was."

She remembers one morning, when she'd stumbled into the kitchen six months after Noah had been born. Josh had been about to leave for an early meeting, and she'd told him to say goodbye to Noah before he left.

 _"Why?"_

 _"What do you mean, 'why?' He's your son."_

 _"Yeah, but I don't need to say bye to him. He's coming with me."_

 _"What?"_

 _"I'm bringing him to work."_

 _"But... But... You can't do that."_

 _"Sure I can." He grinned, accenting his point by slinging Noah's bag over his shoulder and ducking into the nursery to pick him up. To her surprise, her son was already dressed and ready to go._

 _"You have a meeting!"_

 _"I think he'll be a good persuasion tool."_

 _"Josh-"_

 _"Donna, I've been slammed lately. I hardly see him. C'mon."_

 _"You're kidnapping him!"_

 _"Wave bye to mommy." He moved Noah's hand, forcing a smile out of her. "I'll see ya later."_

 _"I can't believe you." She muttered, nonetheless following him to the door to kiss them both goodbye._

"Donna?"

Donna is jolted out of her reverie. "Yes?"

"You're using the past tense. He 'was' great."

Donna shifts uncomfortably. Her voice comes out very softly. "Yes, well. Like I said. He hasn't been himself lately."

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxxxXxXxXxXxXxXx

"So where is your family?"

"Excuse me?"

"It's Christmas Eve. I'd assume a guy like you, with a wife and kid, would want to be home right about now. And yet, you don't seem all that eager to leave."

"If this is about my answers, I haven't been trying to-"

"It's not."

Josh gives him a reproachful look. "They're in Wisconsin."

"Wisconsin?"

"That's where her family is."

"And you didn't want to go with them?"

"I, um, couldn't. Work, you know."

"The place doesn't strike me as busy right now."

"Look, I had to stay here, okay? And she wanted to go, so, she's gone. It's fine. I don't care."

"You don't care that you're spending Christmas alone?"

"I'm Jewish."

"You must've really done something to piss her off."

Josh looks at him sharply. "Did she say anything to you?"

"No."

"Stanley-"

"She didn't say anything to me."

"I didn't do anything, okay?" He says defensively, not even managing to convince himself.

"Okay."

"I might've... I don't know. I don't know anymore." He rests his head on a hand in frustration.

"How'd you cut your hand, Josh?"

Josh sighs. "I told you. I set down my drink-"

"Stop lying, Josh. People are tired of it."

"Did she-"

"We can't help you if you don't let us."

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

 **I hope to have my next chapter out by the end of the week. And it's a good'un :)**

 **Happy Election Day to all my friends in the US! I hope you all voted! Are you guys also up watching the news coverage?**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Usually, this site is a space for me to be free of my identity's trappings. I do not have to keep up the image of myself as smart, engaged, politically involved, or active in my community. I have done that on all my social media platforms, and most importantly in every day life, but here, I am always free to indulge in an escape from reality.**

 **Today, I digress. I am talking about this election everywhere.**

 **Because I am stunned. I am heartbroken. I am terrified. For my friends, my family, and my community. Mostly, I am terrified for my country, and at the same time terrified of it.**

 **I am so sorry to all of you who suffered or will suffer as a result of this election. And I know that is many of you.**

 **I love you all, and support you in this dark time. Always.**

 **Thankfully, I had this chapter written already, because I have not been able to do anything today. So if you are longing for another reality as deeply as I have been today, here is a brief glimpse into a world where Jed Bartlet is President. I hope it helps.**

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

On the morning of the Inauguration, the speech writers weren't the only ones throwing up. If anyone noticed Donna ducking into the bathroom, or Josh following close behind her, they didn't say anything.

That night, they both stood at the side of the fourth ballroom of the evening, too tired by then to dance. They watched the other partygoers wearily, unprepared both for the upcoming administration and their upcoming life changes.

They hadn't been able to tell anyone about the baby yet, and it was getting harder. They spent their work days apart, longing to go home and talk to the only other person who knew what each was going through.

That night, the thrill of celebrating wore off quickly. They just wanted to be home, in pajamas, eating takeout and arguing over baby names.

Josh watched the President and First Lady sharing a dance, one hand resting on the small of Donna's back. She was fading fast, he could tell. A full night in heels was more taxing for her than it used to be.

The singer of the band asked all married couples to join the Bartlets on the floor. Leo and Jenny took to the floor, and that's when it hit him.

"Let's get married." He said suddenly.

She smiled, eyes still on the floor. "Okay." It wasn't like they hadn't discussed it.

"No, I mean it. Let's get married. Tonight."

She turned to look at him then, with a disarmed and confused expression. "What are you talking about?"

"I'm serious. We're bound to do it sometime. Why not tonight?"

"Because, well... Because we're here!"

"Exactly! We could get anyone to marry us in here, the place is lousy with bureaucrats. We're already dressed for it, all of our friends are here. Come on, why not?"

"We need a marriage license."

"Alright, well, think of all the people here I could intimidate into opening up city hall for us."

"Josh."

"What?" He turned fully to face her, his hands on either side of her waist.

"We can't just elope."

"Why not?"

"Because, I have a family. And they're... They're, you know." She said, sighing in frustration. "And, and, your mother!"

He shrugged. "She'll get over it. Besides, don't you think it's better to do it now, before everyone finds out? If you invite them to the wedding, you'll have to tell them, you know. And who wants to get married with a bunch of people hanging around judging us? What kind of wedding day is that?"

She appeared troubled, as though perhaps he had a point. She raised her hands to his shoulders and focused her eyes on his. "Josh. That's not a good enough reason to get married."

"You're right. It's not." He smiled. "But you know what is?"

"Enlighten me."

"I love you. And I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

She grinned. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. Starting as soon as possible, preferably."

She took a step closer to him, her grin widening. "You've always been very impatient."

"I'm not good at waiting."

"Okay. Let's do it."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

He leaned in to kiss her, feeling more whole than he ever had before. When they pulled back, he went straight into delegating mode. "Okay. I'll get someone to marry us. And Sam. You get-"

"CJ."

"CJ. Yeah, sure. And someone to take pictures."

"Got it."

"Alright. Good."

"Get Toby."

"Toby?"

"Yes!" If he was surprised, she didn't care. She loved the grizzly guy, and knew he cared deeply for both her and Josh. If he wasn't included, he would feel terrible.

"Okay. What else?"

"Champagne."

"You can't drink."

"But you can. And everyone else that we're dragging out into the cold can."

He shook his head. "No. No way. We're not all going to get drunk on your wedding night. It's not fair."

"It's yours too." She protested, but inwardly was grateful for his consideration.

"A cab! I'll call a cab."

"Sounds good."

"You look amazing, by the way." He said, with a heavier significance than the first few times he'd said it that night already.

"Hey, thanks. You don't look bad yourself."

"I'll do. See you in ten?"

"I love you."

"I love you."

They wended their way in different directions in the ballroom, ducking past various dancing couples and other patrons. Donna finally found CJ at her table in the corner, chatting to Danny. It didn't take her long to explain what the plan was, beaming breathlessly.

CJ stared up at her in mixed confusion and concern. "But Donna... Why? Why now?"

"Why not?"

"You're so..."

"Young?"

"Well..."

"I'd never noticed."

"Donna, I'm just saying, you don't have to rush into anything, you guys have all the time in the world to-"

"I'm pregnant."

CJ's mouth fell open. "You're... You're..."

"Pregnant." She repeated softly, glad to finally say it out loud. She smiled, tears springing up of their own accord at CJ's expression. She rested one hand gently on her abdomen. "Yeah, I know."

"How long?"

"Almost three months."

CJ did some quick math. _Oh_. "Oh. I... I see."

"So, um. We really don't have all the time in the world."

"Oh, Donna." CJ said softly, her eyes also filling with tears. She watched the young woman before her, and her heart sagged in compassion. She wanted to take her into her arms and reassure her, but it appeared she'd already been coping well on her own for several months. She was strong - but then, CJ had always known that.

Donna's gaze flicked to Danny, who set his jaw. "Don't worry about it, Donna. You know I wouldn't tell anyone."

"I know." She said immediately, though her posture eased at his assurance.

Josh materialized at her shoulder, grinning. "Hey, CJ. You in?"

She blinked furiously, attempting to absorb what was happening. Josh rested his hands on Donna's waist, and it didn't escape her notice that one drifted toward her stomach. She looked at both of them, nearly bouncing with excitement and possibly anxiety. They looked so young.

They had no idea what was ahead of them - and wedding bands would do nothing to change that.

"Of course, idiot boy." She wiped her cheeks brusquely with her thumbs. "Wouldn't miss it for the world."

"Great! Sam and Toby are out getting a cab. And, Leo's tagging along, because, and I quote, 'You kids are crazy, but your dad would kill me for missing it'."

Donna smiled. "Good."

"Yeah. It is."

She refocused on her task. "Danny. Your paper has upwards of ten photographers here, yes?"

"Well, yes, but-"

"Grab one. Let's go."

They bustled out to the cab, only to find there was only one five seater. Leo and the cameraman got their own seats, but the bride and groom, CJ and Danny, and most amusingly, Sam and Toby, had to double up.

It was reported that at the fifth ball, the President looked around in sudden confusion and asked, "Say... Where is my entire senior staff?"

They were married in less than half an hour, and after that the group disbanded. The bride and groom got takeout and went home. He carried her over the threshold. After eating, they spent the night in bed. Between other newlywed goings on, they argued baby names.

It was nothing like the wedding she had dreamed of as a young girl. It was so much better.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

"CJ!"

The fierce whisper drew CJ out of her conversation with a rotund older man named Arthur. She glanced around to find Donna standing nearby, but tucked almost out of sight. She was staring at CJ with the same urgency and anxiety that she had six weeks prior, on her wedding night.

"Excuse me for a moment."

"Of course, miss."

She followed Donna out of the banquet room into a narrow hall, where Josh was pacing. "What is it?"

"You're good at your job, wouldn't you say?"

"Um..."

"And you help counsel people on the image they're projecting?"

"I suppose-"

"Good! I need you to help Josh, preferably in the next five minutes, learn how to win over my family."

Josh stopped pacing to give them both a look reminiscent of a man drowning. "It's like the Spanish Inquisition."

Donna ignored him. "Or at least help him to quit fucking up quite so royally."

Josh resumed pacing, miserably, and CJ had to fight down laughter. "So the conciliatory reception hasn't been quite so conciliatory?"

"How'd you guess?"

"Just a feeling."

In an effort to appease friends, coworkers, and family (primarily Donna's) who'd felt left out by the elopement, Josh and Donna had thrown together a wedding reception six weeks after the fact. The majority of the guests hailed from the Moss clan, which spanned Wisconsin and Michigan.

"We've really tried."

"Really." Josh agreed dismally, stopping his pacing to lean against the wall.

"Your table can't be so bad, though. You've got a few over there that like you."

"Not enough."

To mitigate the somber John and Lisa Moss (Donna's parents) they'd also seated Ruth with them, who was not only an awkwardness buffer by way of being bubbly and loud, but also the most gung-ho person in the room for Josh and Donna's marriage and soon to be family. The others at their table included Donna's brother Manny (who was in support of the whole thing, as well as deeply amused by it), her sister Ava (who had hit on everyone at the party from Sam to Toby, a range which included her new brother-in-law), Ava's unfortunate husband (who was drinking enough not to notice Ava's behavior), and finally, her other brother Dylan and his wife (who were even more judgmental about the whole thing than their parents).

It was a potent mixture.

"Maybe if you were more serious-"

"Hey, I was! I wasn't the one who started humming 'Papa Don't Preach,' if you'll remember."

"It was your mother! Your flesh and blood!"

"Yours too, now."

"Like mother like son."

"I was good, mostly."

"Oh yeah? That snarky little bit about the nineteenth amendment?"

"I was just saying-"

"You implied that my family wished women couldn't vote!"

"My point was actually about women's freedom to make their own deci-"

"Oh shut up, would you?"

CJ interrupted them with evident amusement. "Perfect Madonna references aside, your parents can't really be that bad, can they?"

Donna sighed. "They're not."

"I know they're rather conservative, but-"

"It's not that. That's not what they're upset about."

"No?"

"Not really. They're... offended."

"By what?"

"They're hurt that I didn't tell them. That I was pregnant, or that I was even living with someone. And that they didn't get to come to my wedding." By her tone, it was clear that she was more than a little disappointed by that, too. And guilty about it.

"I get that."

"Yeah."

"But what about the rest of these guys? I'm surprised such a huge number turned out, what with the short notice."

"It's because they don't have anything better to do in fucking Wisconsin." Josh muttered.

"They're here for the same reason you slow down when you see a car wreck." Donna said bitterly. "They're here to passively mutter about me to each other, about how I proved them all right. They're here to tell my mom, 'You should've listened when I told you to keep an eye on that girl'."

Josh's frustration faded, watching her folded arms shaking. He crossed over to her and wrapped one arm around her shoulders. "Well, then, fuck 'em. And they _were_ wrong, for the record."

She smiled wanly. "Thanks."

"Yeah."

"That still doesn't fix the parent situation. What are you going to do?"

"It goes both ways. Why aren't you over there lecturing them about how they should be working harder to give _me_ a chance?" He whined, not entirely serious.

"Oh, I don't know." She retorted, voice dripping sarcasm. "It's not like I, their youngest daughter, just betrayed them in their eyes by getting knocked up by, and then hitched to, some politician they'd never met."

He swallowed. "Right. Right, well, maybe we're right to just attack it on the one front."

It wasn't like she hadn't tried. She had wanted to tell them everything. About how they didn't need to worry, because she really was okay. She was in love, and she was happy. She wanted to tell them about how amazing Josh was, and how much she wanted him to be a part of her family. She wanted to tell them about how he'd accidentally changed every White House computer screensaver to their child's sonogram. She wanted to tell them how even when he left before her in the mornings, she woke up to a glass of water and her prenatal vitamins on the bedside table.

But she hadn't told them any of that. It had just seemed an impossible task, when she'd first seen them after the news. The way her mother held back tears. The hurt look in her father's eyes, and the sinking feeling that he would never look at her the same way again. Like he used to, when he would carry her anywhere on his shoulders.

He was once her rock, and her mother once her best friend. She just couldn't bear it.

"Glad we're agreed."

At that moment, Ava peered around the corner, eyes huge. "Donna. I'm so sorry."

Donna furrowed her brow at Ava's look of panic. "About what?"

"I didn't think he'd come."

"What are you talking about?"

"He came to my house, I didn't know how to-"

Donna brushed past her into the reception room, Josh and CJ close behind her. Her worst fear was confirmed when she saw Roy attempting to budge past Manny in the entry way, face red.

She grit her teeth and headed over. "No! No way!"

"Donna!"

"I can deal with judgmental relatives, I can deal with judgmental coworkers, I can even deal with my parents' disappointment, but I can _not_ , and I will not, deal with you!"

"Donna, hear me out-"

"No!" She whipped around to glare at Ava. "I can't believe you did this."

"She didn't! Honestly, I swear, I came into her house to try to get her to talk to me about you, and the invitation was on the table. Honestly."

Donna's gaze softened at her sister's feeble nod. "You came into her house?"

"I needed to see you."

It was then, standing immobile a few yards away, that Josh truly began to realize the extent of the terrible relationship his wife had been in only a year ago. And during that year, evidently, the poor excuse for a man had kept on with the intimidation and tracking long after she'd told him no.

Josh stepped closer to her. His wife. His family. More than half of everything he cared about was contained inside the woman before him.

"I can't believe you."

"I can't believe you got married!"

"You have to go." Donna attempted to shove him out the door, but as her body weight, even in her second trimester of pregnancy, was only a little more than half of Roy's, she didn't make much progress.

He seemed quite amused by her attempts. "I love you, Donna. Honestly."

Josh stepped in. "I think it's time for you to leave."

At this close distance, he and Roy both took a moment to evaluate each other. After a few seconds, they both turned to Donna incredulously, as if to say, _This guy? Really?_

She looked between them, paralyzed.

"This doesn't concern you." Roy said in a rumbling voice.

"Considering that she's my wife, it kind of does."

At this point, the entire crowd was staring. The room was frozen - half in horror, half in morbid fascination.

Roy ignored him. "You didn't have to marry this guy, Donna. Even if you didn't want me-"

"I didn't have to. I wanted to."

Roy gave her a twisted, condescending smile. "No one buys it, hon! We all know what happened."

"No, you don't!"

"I figured it was okay that you went and got hitched. To some DC jackass, no less. I figured it wouldn't last. But when I heard you went and got yourself _knocked up_ -" He sneered.

"Hey, watch yourself there, pal." Josh had by then moved completely between his wife and the (incredibly tall, he realized) crazy ex.

"I mean, you could've gotten rid of the damn thing!"

Later, Josh would be told gravely that he did the right thing. That that is what a man must do when his family is threatened. He will be joked with about blondes and their drama by uncles he'll never like, he'll have his hand shaken by a somber and respectful John Moss. Lisa will even hug him.

But at that moment, he wasn't thinking at all about winning the approval of the Mosses, or about proving anything to anyone.

All he could hear was the blood rushing in his ears, and the fierce hatred that rose in his gut at the terming of his child 'the damn thing.'

So, he hit him.

The events that unfolded afterward were rapid, and many occurred simultaneously. Ruth stood up so quickly her chair fell down, ready to kick the crotch of anyone who dared put a retaliatory hand on her son, daughter-in-law, or her future grandchild. CJ rushed to Donna's side, who in turn was glued to Josh's. Roy staggered but attempted a swing of his own, but being too disoriented, missed wildly. A coalition of Donna's brothers and Sam managed to corral him out of the room, finally.

And somewhere in the midst of all this chaos, three things happened: Josh won over the Mosses.

Any and all regrets about the wedding evaporated from Donna's mind.

And finally, Josh's last doubts about fatherhood followed Roy out the door.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Hey guys!**

 **Wow, so much feedback! I'm thrilled. Truly, I am so grateful. I love that you guys are excited about this story, because I am too. I feel like I've gotten a dozen new followers in the past few days!**

 **Welcome, one and all. I'm happy to have you along for the ride :)**

 **This chapter is a little rough. My first few flashback chapters have been much stronger than their odd-numbered chapter counterparts. I'm struggling to write well-developed chapters without giving too much away. I promise these chapters will be longer once the focus shifts to the present. Well, not present. 2000. You know what I mean.**

 **Anyway, happy reading! Chapter six will be longer, better, and up soon. Promise.**

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXXxXxXxXx**

"So were you there? At Roslyn?"

"No, I wasn't. I was at home with Noah."

"That must've been horrible to hear about. Did someone call you?"

Donna furrows her brow. She tried as hard as she could most days to avoid reliving that night, and here is a man wanting details. It takes her a minute to recall them, and when she does, the familiar panic rises in her chest. "I don't know. Maybe someone did. I was watching the news, and it came on, so I just... Took off. I knew they'd be at GW."

"Did you know what had happened to Josh?"

"No. No, I didn't." She smiles slightly, trying to mask her nerves. "It may sound stupid, but I wasn't even thinking about it. I was thinking about the President. I didn't... I didn't want to think about him."

"That's understandable."

"It only started to set in when he wouldn't pick up his phone. I kept calling, on the way to the hospital, but he didn't pick up." She remembers the way her stomach had churned with every unanswered ring. "I should've known. I should've known that if he could, he'd call me as soon as he was able, to tell me what had happened, and that I shouldn't worry. But I just kept telling myself that he was too busy."

"So they told you at the hospital?"

"Toby Ziegler told me. He had to tell me a few times, actually, because I didn't believe him initiially."

"That must've been terrifying."

 _You have no idea._ She merely nods.

"What were you thinking about?"

She reverts her eyes back to the baby. "You know. Noah. What was going to happen."

He is noticing in her the signs of trauma he had been trained to recognize. He'd thought upon entering ATVA that it would be mostly the victims themselves displaying these signs - but he'd soon found out that trauma had a ripple effect. "Really?"

"Yes." _No_. Sure, she had thought about how she would raise a son without his father. But mostly, she'd thought, selfishly, about what it would be like for her to live without Josh. And the embarrassing part was that she'd thought maybe she couldn't.

"Okay. And when did you find out he was going to live?"

"About fourteen hours later."

"That must've been a rough fourteen hours."

"Yeah. It felt like... Days. Months."

"I'm sure. And how was his recovery? Hard on both of you, I'd imagine?"

"Well, yes. But it wasn't so bad. People really rallied around us, you know. Neighbors cooked. People babysat. My family circulated in and out, my parents, my siblings. His mom was there for a few weeks. Everyone here was really great, too, of course. Toby was good about my hours... The First Lady even watched Noah sometimes." She acknowledges, a little proudly.

"That's a lot of people."

"Yeah. Well, you know what they say. It takes a village."

It did start to grate on them after a while, and Josh particularly. He didn't do well with feeling helpless, or indebted. And as for her, she hated feeling like their apartment was more hospital than home.

"Right. And was he doing well, then? You didn't notice any signs of trauma? Psychologically, I mean."

"I... Did." She admits. "Some of it was just what I'd expected of Josh, though. He was so restless about recovery. So impatient. He wanted to be back at work, he wanted things to be normal."

"That's fairly typical for people with long recovery times."

"Yeah, I'm sure. It still scared me half to death. I was sure that just after they'd managed to save him, he'd go and kill himself, the way he was acting. He managed to slip out once without me noticing, with Noah! He just went around the block a few times, but still! He wasn't supposed to be carrying anything nearly as heavy as Noah, and he certainly wasn't supposed to be walking that far. He'd just been shot two weeks ago! He went about six hours before I noticed he'd busted one of his stitches, too. God, _I_ nearly killed him." She huffs, still obviously peeved by the memory. She blushes slightly upon realizing the length of her rant.

Stanley feels a stab of sympathy for her. It is hard enough trying to take care of someone you're used to having help take care of you, but even worse when you're met with resistance. "And aside from that? There were no other indicators?"

"Well..." She takes a steadying breath. "There were the nightmares."

"Nightmares?"

"They were bad, for a while. They never really stopped, but they did get better after a few months."

"So you ignored them?"

"He ignored them. We both ignored them."

"Right."

"Because he was alive. And that was all that mattered." At least, it had been.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

"So how long would you say your recovery time was?"

"Three months, maybe a little longer."

"And how was it?"

"Oh, great. You know. Walk in the park."

"I'm growing very tired of your sarcasm."

Josh sighs. "It sucked. There. Though I really feel you could've deduced that."

"What about it was bad?"

"Stanley, don't you have PhD or something? Regardless, you don't need higher education to get that-"

"I meant, what part? The physical pain? Or something else?"

"I couldn't do anything. That was the worst part."

"Feeling helpless?"

Josh swallows uncomfortably. "I couldn't go to work."

"And that was what bothered you the most?"

"I mean, yeah. I couldn't work, I couldn't do... anything. I was useless." He'd hated recovery. He couldn't get up and go anywhere, he had nothing to distract him from himself all day. He just had to sit there, helplessly, as people told him not to stress himself, or to take it easy. As if they'd never met him. Working tirelessly, constantly, was integral to his identity.

He couldn't do any of the things he loved. Work, sure. But that wasn't the worst: it was the simple things he was no longer able to do, which he'd once taken for granted. He couldn't carry his son for what seemed forever - in reality, it was only three weeks, but it seemed much longer. He couldn't lift him overhead and spin him, which made Donna crazy but made Noah laugh, both of which were two of his favorite things. He couldn't carry Donna to bed when she fell asleep on the couch, or push her up against the counter and kiss her over morning. They couldn't have sex, which he hated mostly because she seemed so _stressed_ , and he just wanted to make her happy.

He couldn't be a husband, or a father. He was not only out of the loop at work, but felt useless in his own home. And they wondered why he was so eager to recover.

He just wanted to be useful again. That's all he's ever wanted.

And now, it seems, he is losing out on that. Again.

He can't help vocalizing this thought. He throws on the false smirk he's been wearing all day. "Seems I'm headed that way again, doesn't it?"

"I'm sorry?"

"I mean, nobody wants me here, it's obvious. And after the blow up in the Oval, who can blame them? And my family up and left me. She took the kid."

"You said they went to see family."

"Yeah. But it's obvious, you know? She doesn't want me around him. She doesn't want me around my own kid. And the worst part is, I don't blame her. It makes sense. I wouldn't want to be around me either." Stanley watches him in concern, as this is the first time that night he believes him to be truly genuine. Josh buries his head in his hands, staring through them at the tabletop. "I really fucked up, Stanley."

"Josh..."

"And now I'm just a waste of space again." He raises his head, and tries vainly to make it sound like he is joking again. It is obvious to both of them that he isn't.

Stanley lets that settle. He'd asked earlier if, when Josh had found out about Robert Cano, he didn't wonder if he was suicidal too. He'd denied it. But now, Stanley thinks he has his answer. "How'd you cut your hand, Josh?"

"I broke a window."


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: See, told ya it'd be up soon! I've had all of this written except one scene for a while, which is good because things are a bit hectic right now. We're hosting the future in-laws for Thanksgiving, and while I love them dearly, I'm not worth a damn as a hostess ;) Wish me luck!**

 **Glad I could sneak away for a minute and post this. I hope you all enjoy.**

 **To my friends in the US, Happy Thanksgiving! I am thankful for all of you this year, and every year.**

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

"Sir, please. Don't make me go."

"Oh no!" Toby protested. "If the rest of us have to haul out to Virginia tonight, so do you."

"Yeah Josh." The President teased. "What reasons could you possibly have for staying home?"

"Wife. Baby. You know. Minor things, really."

"Maybe you're just not as dedicated as the other staffers."

"The other staffers don't have lives."

"Fair enough." Jed conceded. "Nonetheless! It'll be fun. And who else will do that weird hip hop gesture for me if not you?"

"One of your countless other staffers?"

"Nah! It's gotta be you." Jed shrugged on his coat jovially, preparing to head out to a meeting. "C'mon, Josh. I promise not to drone on for too long, and you can have the morning off. How's that?"

"Deal." Josh agreed begrudgingly, glaring at Toby.

Toby smirked back in triumph. In truth, his reasons for forcing Josh's participation were mostly sub conscious, and a tad selfish. He was worried about his brother, David, that night. And he wanted the closest thing he had to family near him as he waited for news.

That night, when shots were fired, Toby was the one to find him, because Toby was the one looking. His heart dropped into his stomach at the sight of Josh helpless against a low pillar.

For all his pretense that he didn't like him, the world froze. He had just found out that his brother was safe, but now another was in jeopardy.

He held Josh until the first responders got there, tears and adrenaline blurring his vision. He held his head in his lap to keep it from the cold pavement, even though blood was soaking his slacks. He held his head in his lap the way David used to do for him when he was a little boy, and they heard gunshots out in the neighborhood.

Once they'd been updated on Josh's condition by the First Lady, CJ warned him that he needed to change clothes soon.

"Why?" He asked.

"Because." She said gravely. "Donna's going to be here soon."

Toby looked down at himself, and realized he was splattered in Josh's blood. He agreed that he couldn't do what he needed to do looking like this.

He accosted a junior staffer in the hall and ordered him to switch clothes with him, but the kid stared at him like he was insane, or was perhaps the one who'd caused the bloodspill. And that was how Toby ended up in the GW waiting room, wearing a set of spare green scrubs.

Because he knew what he needed to do.

What made it harder was that he liked Donna. Loved her, if he was being honest with himself. He'd been eager to take her onto his staff the moment she and Josh had started seeing each other, and she had happily agreed.

She brightened his days, just by being there. Perhaps it was her idealism, which inspired him. Perhaps it was her witty repartee, or her refusal to put up with his (or anyone else's) bullshit. Perhaps it was her hilarious anecdotes about her home life, whether about locking Josh out of the apartment in his boxers, or the feud they'd recently entered with their upstairs neighbors (one had passively commented that the Bartlet onesie they'd bought Noah was indoctrination, to which Donna had replied that the matching Christmas sweaters they'd put their kids in for their Holiday cards that year were a much worse thing to do to a child). Not only were the tales amusing, but it gave him ammunition to use against Josh for weeks.

Every so often, she'd wheedle him into having dinner with them on a Friday, oftentimes with Sam or CJ or Leo as well, and he would enjoy quality time watching Bartlet's bulldog valiantly attempt to spoonfeed Noah something puréed and disgusting. Donna would keep up a lively chatter, and Toby would feel at home in a way he hadn't since the divorce.

She was also reliably handy. Not only was her work exceptional, but she went above and beyond the call. For example, if he exclaimed "Why don't we have any goddamn staplers around here?" He'd find one on his desk ten minutes later.

"Do I want to know how you got this?"

"I took it from Josh's office."

"Does he know?"

"I may have distracted him."

He would chortle, deeply amused. "No loyalty to your husband?"

"You know you're the man who truly has my heart, Tobias."

Once, Noah had been crawling around Toby's office, and was quite taken with his rubber ball. Toby had charitably let the baby have it (he wasn't a monster), only for a new one to appear on his desk the next morning, topped with a bow.

When he'd found out, months too late, that some of her fellow communications staffers had been making scathing remarks about her not having earned her place on the team, and only being there because of Josh, Toby had fired them on the spot.

Because she was family, as far as Toby was concerned. She was family in the way that his Brooklyn family used to be family, and protected its own.

She had tried to thank him, but he wouldn't hear of it. In the same way that he tried to thank her for inviting him to dinner, and if he could even get it out, she wouldn't hear of it.

That is how he knew it was his job to tell her. Because they had a way, he and Donna. They were straight with one another.

CJ might attempt to reassure her that everything would be okay, all while her eyes gave her away. Sam might use elegant words to cloak the situation's gravity.

Not Toby. The same way that he could trust her to tell him that his latest draft was complete shit, she needed to be able to trust him when he told her the news.

She came in, in a flurry of disarray, ten minutes after he sat down. He stood up immediately. She was wearing an oversized Harvard shirt and flannel pajama pants, and her hair was pulled haphazardly out of her face. She balanced Noah, who was sporting a mismatched onesie, coat, and boots ensemble, on one hip.

She prattled on nervously for a few minutes about racing over, and having to find an agent who recognized her, and so on. All the while, he steeled himself for what he needed to say.

"How's the President?" She blurted finally.

"The president's fine, Donna." CJ supplied, because that was the easy part.

She smiled. "Really? Oh, that's great. That's the best news I've ever heard. I-"

"Josh was hit, Donna." Toby said at long last.

He braced himself for her reaction. None came, aside from her face going slack. "He... What?"

"Josh was hit."

"Hit... Hit with what?"

It could've been funny, the way she was deluding herself, but it wasn't. It was heartbreaking. "He was shot. In the chest."

She bit her lip, holding Noah to her in a vice grip. "Is it... Is it serious?"

"Yes. It's critical."

It is hard to watch someone's entire world shaken to its very foundation like that. The tears they'd all expected welled in her eyes, but she held them back. "Toby, where are your clothes?"

"Donna-"

"Toby, why are you wearing scrubs?" Her voice was panicked, now, and he knew he didn't need to answer.

He let her collapse in his arms, Noah pressed between the two of them, and shake for a while. Because she was family, and that's what you do.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

Maureen Gunderson had worked at GW for fifteen years: first as a staff nurse, later as a floor manager, and finally as the head nurse of the ER. In her many years of working, she knew there was no kind of dread like seeing a wedding ring on the hand of someone dead or struggling to stay alive.

It was similar to the dread she felt upon looking at a car crash victim's ID, seeing they were only sixteen, and realizing their parents would be busting down the doors any minute - that is, if you didn't have to be the one to make the painful call yourself.

A wedding ring was almost as bad. All you could do, once any contacts had been notified, was to wait for someone to barrel through the doors, wild eyed, looking for their other half. And the worst part, Maureen thought, was wishing to yourself that they didn't have kids. It was awful, but it was better that way.

Best case scenario, they'd lived a full life, too, and had a long happy marriage.

But either way, when she saw the ring, she unconsciously began to wait for the other shoe to drop. And the night they wheeled in the President and one of his staff members, Maureen didn't dare hope for best case scenario. He was young, and this was going to be hard.

The other shoe dropped, as did her stomach, about half an hour after they brought him in. Maureen was walking the floor, and noticed a small commotion at the door to the waiting room. A little slip of a blonde woman, obviously not dressed like she'd been expecting to go out that night, was attempting to shove her way past two secret service agents. Another woman and a man, likely friends of hers, stood a few feet behind her, watching anxiously.

"I want to see him."

"Ma'am, we can't let anyone-"

"Don't _ma'am_ me, Clark, you know me! For god's sake-"

"Donna, I haven't been cleared to let anyone through. Now if you'd let me go get clearance, and you wait here-"

"I don't want to wait! I want to see him, and I want to talk to someone who can tell me more than 'it's critical,' and-"

"Excuse me?" Maureen interrupted firmly. "What seems to be the problem here?"

"I'm sorry ma'am, I know we're not to disturb you, but you see-"

"I'm his wife." The young woman interrupted loudly, her voice faltering. Maureen's fears were realized. The poor girl regained her composure and reset her focus. "Your shooting victim! I'm his wife!"

"Okay."

"Not the President, obviously." She amended, flustered. "The other one. Josh, I mean. Josh Lyman."

"Okay." Maureen repeated in her best soothing nurse tone. "Okay, why don't you come back here and talk to me for awhile?"

The young woman glanced wearily at the agents, but they parted to allow her through. Maureen gave them a grateful nod as she lead the woman back through the hall, one hand gently on her arm.

She thought about the baby she'd seen, in that other woman's arms, that she didn't think she'd seen the last time she passed the waiting room. _Please, no_. She prayed silently.

"Can I get you anything to drink? Tea, maybe?"

The woman stared at her before eventually shaking her head.

"Okay. Let's sit down, shall we?"

She hesitated.

"I'll let you see him. I promise. But I think maybe we should talk first."

She nodded, finally, and allowed herself to sink into the proffered chair behind the nurses station.

"Great. You wait right there, I'll just be a moment." Maureen retreated to the break room and made two mugs of tea, because even if she didn't want it now, she knew it helped to have something warm to hold between your hands, and something to busy yourself with by blowing and sipping. On her way back out, she stopped and collected a plastic tray with a wallet and keys on it. Something else for her to hold onto.

"Here. These were on him. I thought I'd give them to you now." Maureen set the tray in front of her and the two mugs on either side of it before taking the seat closest to her.

The woman's lip trembled as she reached out toward the overstuffed wallet, but her hand changed direction midway there and landed on the mug. "Thank you."

"Of course. I'm sorry this is happening to you."

"Thank you." She repeated softly, taking a sip of tea.

"What's your name?"

"Donna. Donna Moss."

"Well, Donna, my name is Maureen. I'm the head nurse here."

"Oh." She glanced up guiltily. "I'm sorry. If there's something you need to be doing-"

Maureen cut her off with a wave of her hand. "Don't worry about it."

Donna nodded again, and continued to stare at the wallet. She seemed to be preparing herself for what she said next. "So, um... How is he?"

Maureen didn't answer immediately. She was hoping that if she could keep her talking long enough, that answer to that question might just change to a better one. Maureen reached out and picked up the wallet her gaze was resting on and opened it. "I'll give you an update just as soon as I can confer with the surgical team. So, Josh, huh?"

She squinted at the driver's license, trying to match the face with the slack one of the man on the operating table. The one she didn't want Donna to see.

"Yeah." Donna couldn't help smiling a little as she, too, looked at the photo. "That photo looks kind of like a mugshot, I've always thought."

"You're right. He definitely looks a little shifty." If she could just get her to keep talking about the living man, and not the one on the verge of dying. That was what she'd found was the best distraction. And, usually, once you got people talking, they didn't want to stop. It helped not to internalize it.

"This one's much better." Donna reached out and flipped the wallet in Maureen's hand to a picture of the two of them, which held even more life-like qualities.

"Oh, well this is nice!"

"Yeah."

"He has a nice smile."

"He does." She agreed. She even smiled a little herself.

"And you look so happy. What was the occasion?"

"It was our wedding night." She told her, lost briefly in the memory.

It was working, Maureen knew. "Ah. No white dress?"

"No. I mean, I would've worn white, probably, but the wedding was a little... Impromptu."

"Huh." Maureen didn't pass judgment on that. God knows the trouble it would've saved her to elope. She flipped the insert over reflexively, and her stomach lurched. Because there was a baby there. "Is this, um..."

"That's our son. Noah. I think that picture was taken just a few floors up, actually." She attempted a feeble smile. She hated that the wonderful memories of this place were being clouded by such awful ones.

Maureen blinked back tears, and put the wallet down. She kept Donna talking for almost an hour, until the First Lady came in with the tired baby and something had to be done. Maureen had some of the nurses put him up in a crib for the night, and Donna sat with him and sang softly, though she didn't get any sleep herself.

Maureen found her in front of the OR's observation window at around four in the morning. She didn't try to distract her, then. Because it was possible that she was single handedly willing him to live.

She listened discreetly when the President shuffled to her, holding his IV with one hand and his bathrobe closed with the other.

"Donnatella. I am so sorry."

"Sir! It's so good to see you up!"

"Thank you."

"I'm sorry, I should've gone in to see you, I just-"

"I'm sorry, Donna. Truly, I am. I made him go. He wanted to go home."

"Sir, it's not your fault. You can't possibly think so."

"I made him go."

"Sir. You and I both know no one can ever _make_ Josh go anywhere."

The President chortled. "I suppose that's true."

"Really, sir. It isn't anyone's fault." She said softly.

"Unless you count the shooters."

"Yes. Unless you count them."

"And I do." He cleared his throat. "He'll be okay, Donna."

"Thank you, sir. I hope so."

"I know so. He's got you to wake up to."

Maureen couldn't see her face, but she thought she saw her wipe away a tear, then.

"Thank you, sir." She said thickly.

"And like you said. No one can ever make Josh go anywhere. Not even to a better place."

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

"Alright. Time to get dressed."

"Why?"

"Because, Leo's coming over. And, as close as you are, he's still your boss. So lose the sweats."

"So you want me to undress for you?"

She rolled her eyes. "Yes."

"Well, uh, I think I'm good."

"You're good?"

"Yeah." He tilted his head at the baby sleeping next to him, curled against his side. "Don't wanna wake Noah, after all."

"He should get up soon, anyway. I want him to sleep tonight."

"Um, well, the thing is..."

"Josh."

Josh finally met her eyes. "Mm?"

"Is the reason you don't want to get dressed because you're in too much pain to lift your arms over your head?"

He scoffed. "What? No, that's ridiculous."

"When's the last time you took your medication?"

"Um-"

"Aha!"

"I'm fine! I don't need it!"

"Joshua."

"It makes me all loopy, and I can't focus. I can't get any work done."

"You can't get much work done when you're immobile, either."

"Sure I can. It's all up here." He managed a gesture to his head.

"Uh huh."

"I'm fine."

"You're taking the meds." She turned away from him and headed to the door.

"Hey! Wait! I'm perfectly fine, okay? Let's not make any rash decisions."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Well, prove it." She folded her arms and raised her chin in challenge.

"How? There's nothing I need to do-"

"Take your shirt off."

"You take your shirt off." He rebuked petulantly, stalling as long as he possibly could.

She smiled. "Okay, fine."

He raised his eyebrows as she lifted her shirt over her head with a flourish, before perching next to him on the bed. She blinked at him innocently. "What? A little out of your reach?"

He attempted to lean forward, but only managed a five degree increase in incline before giving up. "You're an incredibly cruel woman."

She grinned and leaned over him to gently rouse Noah.

"This has gotta be some form of torture. Has Guatanamo heard about you?"

"You're taking your meds." She lifted Noah up and onto her hip before standing and leaving the room.

"I could come after you, you know. If I wanted to." He called after her. "I'm taking the high road."

"Uh huh."

She hated how he pushed his limits (and hers) during recovery. But she had to admit, when he feigned needing help off the bed a couple weeks later, only to pull her down on top of him, laughing, all she could do was smile. Because that was the way he was supposed to be.

When he started to change again, a few months later, it was internal, so it was much easier for him to hide. And it was much easier for her to let him.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

 **The soft spot in my heart for Toby Ziegler is boundless. In fact, it takes up just about my whole heart.**

 **Anyway, happy holidays! Thanks for reading.**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: You guys, I'm really struggling with these Noël chapters. I'm sorry. I know I haven't updated in a while, and it's because I've had some sort of writer's block specifically for this chapter. But don't worry - the next one is coming to me much more easily, and soon the plot will really take off.**

 **Sorry for the delay, and Merry Christmas Eve!**

 **Also, I'm glad to see that you guys like _Prodigal Son_! I'm hoping to start seriously focusing on that story more in the New Year.**

 **I love you guys :)**

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

"So, how have you been?"

Donna doesn't respond right away. Noah had woken up about fifteen minutes prior, and she'd managed to procure a couple crayons and a piece of scrap paper from her purse, as it seemed all mothers were able to do at a moment's notice. He scribbles away happily, drawing large loops and occasionally pointing at them exuberantly, attempting to explain their origin to his mother in an incomprehensible babble. She is currently caught up in one of these explanations, smiling, but finally yanks her head up to look at Stanley. "I'm sorry?"

"I asked how you were doing, Donna."

She furrows her brow. "Me?"

"Yes, you."

"Well... Why?"

"I'm just asking. Have you been getting much sleep lately?"

She continues to look confused. "I'm sorry, I just don't see what this has to do with-"

"I'll take that as a no."

"Dr. Keyworth-"

"What about food? Have you been eating regularly?"

She balks. "Yes. I have."

"Okay. If you say so."

"I'm naturally thin."

"I'm sure."

"I don't understand what it is you're getting at."

"I just want you to think about something."

"What?"

"And I don't want you to be upset, or defensive."

"I'm not - I wouldn't-" she splutters, rather upset and defensive.

"I want you to realize that just because Josh is suffering more obviously, doesn't mean he's the only one suffering."

Donna purses her lips. Would she consider herself suffering? That isn't fair, she decides. Not to her, and not to Josh. He should be the priority. Right? And any anger or resentment she feels is selfish.

"I'm really okay." She says softly.

"I'm not so sure about that."

"And if you want to help me, you'll focus on Josh. That's really the only thing that's bothering me right now."

"Just because Josh was shot, doesn't mean he wasn't the only one who was traumatized by that night."

"I wasn't even there." She has no reason for it, she knows. And yet, sometimes she flinches at twigs snapping, or at cars backfiring. Sometimes panic climbs into her chest when he doesn't pick up his phone.

And sometimes she hates him for it. The way she can't fall asleep without him beside her. The way she feels bound to him.

"That doesn't disqualify you from facing some of the same effects as the people who were."

"I have to go, Stanley. I have to get ready for the Congressional Christmas party, I'm sorry." It doesn't start for three hours.

"Oh. I see."

"I hope I've been helpful."

"You have. Really, you have."

"I'm glad." She smiles softly, and gathers up her son and her things. "Thank you, Stanley."

"Thank you. And... Just think about what I said, okay?"

Her smile fades. "I will."

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

"Okay. Tell me about the Christmas party."

"There's not much to tell."

"It was the night before last, right? The twenty-second?" Stanley plows ahead, no longer willing to entertain Josh's stalling.

"Yeah."

"Well, something about it caused you to put your hand through a window, so let's just talk it through and see if we can identify what that was."

"I mean, what do you want me to say? It was a party. Yo-yo Ma played it - which my wife wouldn't shut up about - we sat behind the President, we listened to the guy play."

"And what happened?"

"Nothing happened-"

"Josh."

"Noah started crying, so I took him out of the room for a while. You know, because Donna would've killed me if she'd missed any of the performance." He acknowledges, a little sadly.

"Right."

"He calmed down, we came back in, I sat in the back with Toby because I didn't want to disrupt anything."

"Okay."

"And, well. He started playing that piece."

"What piece?"

"The Bach in G Major."

"How was it?"

"It was Yo-yo Ma." Josh's eyes drift out of focus.

"I've never heard him play."

"It's really quite something."

"And what happened?"

"I don't know."

"Josh, what happened?" Stanley asks, though he already knows.

"I told you, I don't know how it started-"

"What are you, in the fourth grade?"

"I don't know how it started-"

"You tasted something bitter in the back of your mouth." The trainee supplies from the corner of the room. "It was the adrenaline."

Josh is startled. He'd forgotten her presence entirely. He nods.

Stanley refocuses his gaze. "And then what happened?"

He isn't looking at Stanley at all. He's staring at a point somewhere over his shoulder. "I couldn't make it stop." He says softly.

Stanley doesn't press him any further. He doesn't need to. "No, Josh, you couldn't. But you'd been trying to for three weeks. And that's why you were feeling sick inside."

Josh allows himself to return to the present. "Right."

"Toby was the one that noticed that you were having an episode, correct?"

"I don't know if I'd call it an _episode_ -"

"I would."

Josh sighs. "Yes. Toby noticed."

"This being the same man who found you when you were shot?"

"Um, yeah. That's what I've been told, at least."

"You don't remember him finding you?"

"No."

"Okay. So he noticed you were having some difficulty-"

"Yeah." Toby had gently eased Noah off of his lap, and watched him in concern with those solemn eyes that never let him get away with anything. Josh had never seen them directed at him with such profound sympathy.

"And what about Donna?"

"I'm sorry?"

"You weren't sitting with her when you had the flashback, did you tell her what happened?"

He seems confused by the question. "Why would I?"

"Why wouldn't you?"

"I didn't want her to worry."

"Right."

"Really, Stanley. That's all there is to it."

"Okay. And then you went home? After the party?"

"Uh, no."

"No?"

"I, uh, stayed to work. For a few more hours."

"You had work to do?"

"I always have work to do, Stanley."

"Was anyone else there working?"

"Leo."

"Right. So you stayed a few more hours, and when you went home-"

"I really don't want to talk about it, Stanley."

"Okay. Would you rather call it a night and go home?" Stanley asks flatly.

Josh glances at the clock, and weighs his options. He thinks about his empty apartment, with the cold wind blowing through the broken window. He props his head on a hand and settles in for another round of questioning. "Okay. When I got home..."

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

 **Oh yeah, and I used a lot of direct quotes from the episode. Credit to Aaron Sorkin! That episode won an Emmy for a reason, my friends.**

 **I hope you guys are having a great holiday season, and I wish all of you a fantastic 2017 (if I don't post again before then)!**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Hey all :) Here's chapter eight, as promised! I think it's better than the last one. Plus, we have some real plot developments here, so I think you'll be pleased! Much love to all of you. Happy last week of 2016!**

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

Donna found Josh in the crowd after the performance, holding onto Noah and avoiding eye contact with congressmen. She was still glowing in awe, and it took her a moment to notice his strange, shaky demeanor. Toby hovered anxiously nearby.

"Hey." She smiled breathlessly, and reached out to play with one of Noah's hands. "I lost you."

"Yeah, I, uh, didn't want to disrupt the performance."

He wasn't just avoiding eye contact with congressmen, she realized. He was avoiding eye contact with her. She furrowed her brow in concern. "Are you okay?"

"Hm? Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine."

"Are you ready to go home?"

He repositioned Noah in his arms and gently settled his chin against the top of his head. He attempted a steadying breath. "No, I've got some work to do."

"You told me earlier that you were done."

"Something came up."

"Do you want me to stay?"

"No, you and Noah can go home. Take the car." He kissed Noah's forehead and passed him over to her. He felt suddenly vulnerable with his arms empty.

"But, you can't walk home, it's freezing outside-" she protested.

"I'll be fine. Don't worry about it." He brushed a kiss against her cheek, still not looking at her. She watched, concerned, as he retreated into the West Wing, pale and unsettled.

She looked to Toby bessechingly. "Toby, do you know what-"

Toby also seemed not keen to look her in the eye. "I'll look after him, Donna. Go home and get some sleep."

She knew that he was trying to spare her the weight of whatever was worrying him about Josh. But that wasn't how they worked, she and Toby. They were straight with one another.

Before she had a chance to set him straight, he turned and followed Josh back into the West Wing, and she was left alone in the lobby. Her drowsy son made a whining noise, and shifted restlessly. She bit the inside of her lip, and decided not to pursue it. If Josh wanted to hide from her in his office for another night, so be it. Hopefully it would all come to a head at his ATVA meeting in a couple days. This wasn't the only night she'd spent alone in the past few weeks, anyway.

She went home, and put Noah to bed before undressing and climbing into bed herself. She could've waited up for Josh, she knew, but there was no telling when he'd be home - and she wasn't sure she wanted to talk to him when he got there, either. Or, moreover, she didn't want to attempt talking to him only to be rebuffed or used as a distraction again.

Better to, as Toby had told her, get some sleep. She needed it.

Before she could, however, she heard Josh come in. First the door closed, and the sounds of glasses clinking in the kitchen soon followed. _Great_ , she thought, _he's drinking._

" _You'd agree that it's better than drugs or alcohol, wouldn't you?_ "

She didn't agree with Stanley that night. She'd rather Josh take it out on the inaminate.

Didn't he know what he was doing to her? Didn't he know how worried she was?

It wasn't fair to put that on him, she knew. But she didn't know who else to blame, and her own guilt was heavy enough. So she lay there, wondering who of the two of them was more in the wrong, and who would be the first to try making it right.

Then she heard the glass shatter.

She was frozen momentarily, fear climbing into her throat. She waited for something else to happen. For Josh to curse, alerting her that he'd broken something accidentally - though that hadn't sounded like just a scotch glass. Or for him to do something to let her know that someone had broken their window, like check on her or Noah.

The next thing she heard was the door slam.

She remained in bed until Noah started crying a moment later. That finally jolted her into action. She hurried through the living room, feeling cold wind blowing in where it shouldn't be. She looked down as she walked to avoid glass, and her breath caught when she saw droplets of blood scattered over the carpet.

She entered the nursery and gathered Noah into her arms, shushing him and rocking him gently. Any progress she made was soon undone by a knock at the door, which sent Noah into a fresh round of wails. Frustrated, she tread through the living room again and threw open the door, trying her damnedest to look as "pissed, sleepless young mother" as she could. It wasn't hard.

"What is it?"

The super seemed taken aback. "Oh, um, hi, miss."

"Hi."

"Is everything okay in there?"

"Yes. Fine. Why?"

"Your window is broken."

"I'm aware of that, Ernie."

"What happened?"

"Oh, you know." She searched frantically for an explanation. She settled on the crying baby in her arms. "My son was having a tantrum, I'm sorry. He threw something at the window."

He raised his eyebrows. "Your son's pretty strong."

"I guess so."

"Is your husband home?" He attempted to look past her.

She recognized the slight suspicion on his face with a sinking feeling. "No, he's not. He's working late."

"Right." Ernie nodded. "You need any help getting cleaned up? We can get you a new window next week, maybe, I don't know. Might be difficult over the holidays..."

"That's okay, thank you. Right now I really just want to put this one to bed."

Ernie nodded again. "Okay. Well, let me know."

"Will do." She closed the door and locked it, then leaned back against it. She fought down tears, trying to keep it together for Noah's sake. She eventually settled him, and took him to bed with her. She didn't want to sleep alone.

Early in the morning, she cleaned up the glass in the freezing living room. She made a few phone calls, and packed their bags.

And then she left.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

Josh woke from a restless sleep at his desk that morning. He looked around blearily, trying to remember why he'd spent the night here. His hand gave a helpful throb. _Oh. That's why_.

He looked down at his hand, which had been hastily (and poorly) bandaged with what had been in his office first aid kit. In a sudden and painful flash, guilt descended over him.

 _Oh, fuck. Oh god_.

He set his head back down on the desk, hard. He'd broken a window in his apartment and then left. He'd left his wife and year-old son to deal with the consequences.

What the hell was wrong with him?

He got out of his chair, intent on heading directly home. He was intercepted by his assistant, Addie.

"Senior staff in five."

"No - I have to-"

She squinted up at him. "Did you sleep here?"

"Yes."

"What happened to your hand?"

"Nothing." He muttered defensively. "I have to go home."

"Oh... Kay." She continued to stare at him. "After senior staff, yeah?"

He exhaled in frustration and turned back into his office. "Fuck. Fine. Whatever."

"Okay." Addie said softly, retreating to her desk.

He thought about calling her. But he didn't know what to say. He didn't know how to explain himself. There is no explanation, he realized, for making your family feel unsafe and then leaving. Even the truth, which was that he felt unsafe. All the time.

He just wanted to see her.

He went to senior staff, and barely made it through. He nodded along and occasionally added something. He broke away as soon as possible, and headed to communications. She was probably in by now.

He couldn't find her, not at her desk or in the halls. Maybe Toby had given her the 23rd off. Had she told him that? He couldn't remember.

He left for home, beginning to feel more desperate. He needed to apologize, he knew. But mostly he just needed to see them. His body was beginning to ache in that way that it did when he hasn't held onto his other half in too long.

She hated it when he, or anyone for that matter, called her his other half, because she hated the implication that she wasn't a whole person. But he never minded. He didn't particularly feel like a whole person at that moment, anyway.

The apartment was empty. Panic flared within him. Noah was gone, and all of his things. Donna's dresser drawers were distinctly depleted. The suitcases were gone.

He fumbled for his cellphone, and found it in one his coat pockets in the hall. He hadn't even taken it to work with him - he really was going off the deep end.

He had four voicemails, and clicked through them rapidly to find hers. He waited with baited breath as she began to speak, stiffly.

"Hey, it's me. I just thought I should tell you... I thought you should know that I decided to spend Christmas in Wisconsin. Noah and I, I mean. Our flight leaves in an hour. I know you have some things you need to do this week..." _Fucking ATVA,_ he thought. "But you could join us, after that. If you want."

The message ended. Without the perfunctory "love you."

He checked the time of the message. "Fuck." The flight had already left.

He stood, breathing heavily, in the kitchen for a good five minutes. He eventually calmed down enough to call Addie, and tell her he wouldn't be in for an hour or so.

He laid down in their bed, trying vainly to feel the last traces of her presence, which usually calmed him.

He didn't much feel his hand anymore, because his whole body ached.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

If the universe was trying to make her miss Josh, it was certainly working. She soon remembered how much she hated traveling alone, and the baby certainly didn't help the experience.

He was crying before they even left the ground. She tried to soothe him in her seat, but the exasperated looks from the other passengers eventually led her to get up and pace the plane with him. He didn't seem interested in any of his snacks, or toys, and his diaper was fine, so she didn't have many options for quieting him down.

She thought longingly of the borderline aggressive way Josh defended Noah when he started acting up in public. He would return others' stares challengingly, and sometimes with an accompaning, " _Can I help you with something?_ " or " _Is your stare an offer to try your hand at getting my son to be quiet? Because, really, we'd love your help."_

Her favorite was, " _What? You've never seen a baby before?"_

If they dared to reply with anything other than an apology, they'd usually be treated to some of his best profanity.

Back when she'd been breastfeeding, the upsets had been even more amusing, though she hadn't seen them that way at the time. Once, they'd been out to eat, and Noah had started crying. The restroom was occupied, so she fed him at the table. A man stared brazenly from another table, and Josh had leaned over to say with faux seriousness, " _Yeah, I'll have to charge you for that._ "

His attempt at humor didn't elicit any humbling or apology, but " _She shouldn't be doing that in public. That's disgusting."_

Which, predictably, was met with " _Hey, you're disgusting. Fuck you."_

The dispute escalated, and finally the man was kicked out of the restaurant. Josh had seemed incredibly proud of himself, and she had tried not to look proud of him as well.

She half wished he was here now. She wasn't very combative by nature, but she was nearing calling out some of these passengers in frustration.

The process of getting a rental car in Chicago wasn't any better. It had been much more expensive to fly to Madison, and she'd reckoned the drive wouldn't be too bad, but now she started to second guess herself. It was cold as hell, the wind was biting, and assembling Noah's car seat wasn't the easiest thing in the world. Admittedly, at this point, they'd be bickering anyway. But she'd rather be bickering with someone than alone, especially on the upcoming drive.

It took her much longer than expected, because she was forced to be both driver and navigator, in addition to trying to keep Noah calm for the duration. She made several wrong turns, and hit a few holiday traffic jams. By the time she got to her hometown, it had been dark outside for hours.

At one point, she turned on the radio on the highway to cut through the silence. Something cheesy from the 80s came on, and she began to belt along. She turned expectantly to the passenger seat, but no one was there to roll their eyes at her.

She turned the radio off.

She remembered a trip Josh had taken during her third trimester of pregnancy, which had lasted about four days. She'd surprised him on the Tarmac, and he'd nearly barreled into her, beaming.

" _I'll take it that you missed me."_

 _Normally, he would deny it, but instead he just held onto her, his face in her hair. "Like a whole half of me was missing." He muttered._

She had always hated that phrase, that your significant other was your "other half." As far as she was concerned, she was a perfectly complete and whole person on her own.

But on that trip, it was like a whole half of her was missing.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

The morning of Christmas Eve was one of peace and relaxation in the Moss household. Donna was curled in the corner of a sofa, nursing her second mug of coffee. Her mother held Noah on her lap at the other end of the couch, and her father and older brother Manny were in armchairs beside the fire. Her sister Ava and brother-in-law were out doing some (very) last minute shopping, and her eldest brother had taken the other kids (his and Ava's) outside to play in the snow.

Noah had wanted to go with the big kids, too, of course, but had quickly tired and was now quite content to spend time with his grandmother. His cheeks were still flushed from the cold as he drifted off in the warm, sugar cookie scented room.

"So, Donna." Her mother began.

"Mm?"

"I had wanted to ask you - I didn't, last night, you just seemed so tired - but I had been meaning to ask..." She struggled. "I mean, I'm very glad you're here, of course, very glad. We hadn't expected you until closer to New Year's, but we're so glad you could get away. Very glad, of course."

Her dad perked up from beside the fire. Evidently, the "we" encompassed him. "Yes, of course, Donnatella. Always."

"Okay. I'm glad too." Why did she suspect that that wasn't all they had to say?

"But..." Her mother started bravely. "Where's Josh?"

Ah. Yes, she'd expected this line of inquiry. But it still made her heat up slightly around the collar, and her heart picked up a tick of speed.

"Yes." Her father chimed in. "Where is my favorite son-in-law?"

"John!" Lisa admonished.

"What?" John looked around innocently. "Taylor isn't here, dear. And besides, I'm sure he knows."

Donna smiled wanly. "He had to work, guys. I told you."

"I know, yes, I know." Lisa acknowledged. "But... Didn't you want to stay with him? Until you could all come up together?"

"I wanted to spend Christmas with you guys."

"I know, sweetie." Her mother smiled kindly. "But, I don't know. He's spending Christmas all alone?" She inquired delicately.

"You do know he's Jewish, right?"

"Well, yes, but you're not."

"I know I'm not."

"What I mean is, he spent it up here last year, and he seems to like celebrating it with you and Noah, that's all."

The guilt was beginning to build up in Donna's chest. She bit her lip. "I know. But, he couldn't really get away. He knew I wanted to come up here, so we figured I should just come when I could, and he'll join us if he can."

"Ah." Lisa furrowed her brow. "So we might not see him at all?"

"I don't know." Donna said, trying to ignore the heat in her face.

"That's a shame."

"It is!" Her father lamented. "I had so badly wanted to argue with him about that damned estate tax bill."

"I'm sure you'll find the time, dad."

"And we had wanted to see him open his presents!"

Donna quirked an eyebrow at them. "Presents... Plural?"

Her mother shrugged defensively. "We may have gotten a little carried away."

"We got him a _lot_ of Green Bay stuff." Her father told her with a gleeful smile.

Donna fought back tears that rose inexplicably in her eyes and smiled. "You guys. He'll hate that."

"Yes. But he'll have to wear it! Because it's a Christmas present!"

Her mother couldn't help a smile. "We even got Noah some great stuff to match."

Donna gave a watery chuckle. It was all starting to build up. He should be there, she realized. He should be arguing with her dad about the estate tax, and being doted on by her mom, and receiving their gag gifts that she would force him to wear. He should be out having snow ball fights with his nephews, and being hit on by Ava, and taking Noah for walks through the snow on his shoulders.

She had once feared he would never really be a part of her family. But they'd done too well; now, he was inextricable. It felt wrong to be there without him.

She tried to hide the tear that slipped down her cheek, and quickly brushed it aside with a sleeve of her sweater. Unfortunately, it didn't seem to be the last.

Her brother Manny, who up until that moment had been quiet, watched her in concern. "Donna?" He said softly. "Do you want to come talk to me for a minute?"

She did want that. As always, Manny seemed to know just what to do to calm her. He had since she was little. If she was out playing with her siblings and scraped a knee, Ava might tell her to suck it up, and Dylan might laugh it off. But Manny would bend to her eye level and tell her that everything would be okay.

The situations may have changed over the years, but Manny's soothing presence never had.

She nodded and stood up, trying not to let her parents see the distress on her face. Manny was out of his armchair in an instant, and led her into what had once been his bedroom.

"C'mon, sit down." He sat on the bed and patted the space beside him. She sank down onto the mattress, and he rested a hand gently on her shoulder. "Shh. It's okay."

Stanley's pointed questions hadn't brought tears to her eyes. The broken glass in her apartment hadn't elicited a single one, either. Not the nights spent alone, or the constant worrying. But for some reason, her older brother's kind and familiar sympathy opened the floodgates.

He continued to rub her back gently as she cried. "Hey, it's okay. It's going to be okay."

She settled down eventually, breathing heavily. "I'm sorry." She muttered.

"Don't be." He said easily. "Now tell me what's wrong. Are you and Josh okay?" He correctly guessed the source of her distress.

"I don't know." She admitted.

"What's going on? Is there some reason he can't be here?"

"I... Well, I left without telling him."

"Why?" He asked, trying to hide his surprise. He wasn't married himself, but despite his limited knowledge, he'd thought his sister's marriage to be incredibly solid.

"He's, um. He's been going through something lately. And it's been... Hard."

"Oh... Kay."

"And I'm pissed at him, because he does stupid things, and because he won't talk to me, but mostly..." She sighed, and leaned into Manny's shoulder. "I'm just worried."

Manny nodded. He wanted to ask further, but knew now wasn't the time to pry. She'd tell him if she wanted to.

"I feel worried... All the time." She finally acknowledged, out loud.

She had tried vainly the past few weeks to be mad at Josh. But she was rapidly realizing that it was all just a manifestation of the anxiety she had been carrying around for months now. She'd almost lost him then, and watching him pull away from her again was more than she could bear.

It was easier to be angry, in the same way it must've been easier for Josh to shut down, and avoid his problems. But Stanley was right. Maybe she hadn't been at Roslyn, but she still felt the reverberations.

"That doesn't sound healthy."

"I know it isn't. I know that it's irrational. But... I don't know how not to be anymore. I get nervous when I can't see him. Sometimes I call him with nothing to say. Sometimes I walk past his office just to make sure he's still breathing, Manny. I can't sleep when I don't know where he is. I can't... Do anything."

"Donna." He said softly, in that simple and sympathetic way of his.

"And, God, I really hate that. I hate it! I hate that I feel like I have to be around him. I hate it."

"I understand." She'd always been an independent one, his sister. "But you have to know that this is a perfectly normal reaction. He almost died. It's natural to have some lingering anxiety."

"Not like this!"

"Even like this." He told her seriously.

She took a deep breath. She really needed to hear that. "You think?"

"I do." He gave her shoulder a squeeze. "Honestly, Donna, if you put a tracking device on him, it'd still be a pretty normal reaction."

She chuckled. "I don't think he'd see it that way, Manny."

"Probably not." He paused, making sure she didn't want to say anything else. "But that's why you left? You just wanted to get away from worrying?" He asked dubiously.

"No." She muttered. "There's a little more to it than that."

"I figured."

"He's, um... I'm not the only one that's been falling apart the past few weeks."

"Really?" He wasn't surprised. If Donna was going off the rails, it was only natural that Josh wouldn't be far behind. Or ahead, he supposed.

"Yeah. He's kind of a mess."

"How so?"

She lowered her voice. "They think he has PTSD, Manny."

"Ah." He said shortly. That made sense.

"He's not doing too great. He doesn't sleep. And when he does, it's restless. Nightmares, you know. I think he's been having flashbacks. He's been all over the place - he had a breakdown in the Oval Office this week."

"In the Oval Office?" He repeated incredulously.

"He yelled at the President." She informed him, still in shock over this fact herself.

"...of the United States of America?"

"Yes."

"Sometimes I can't relate to your life at all." Donna laughed half heartedly. "But, he still has a job?"

"A lot of people there are looking out for him." Not for the first time that week, she thanked god for Leo McGarry.

"Yeah. I'd imagine."

"And I just..." She exhaled in frustration. "It's not like he's told me any of this, you know. He's been really difficult. I've just... I don't know. I got sick of it. I got sick of trying to help someone that wouldn't accept help."

Manny nodded. "Yeah. I get that."

"You do?"

"Sure I do. I imagine it's gotta be horribly frustrating, and you're already fried beyond belief. Between work, and Noah - which I'm guessing you've been doing a lot of by yourself, lately - and the fact that you're kind of terrified of your husband dying, I'd say you've done incredibly well to make it this far. Really, you have."

Donna grinned, bolstered by his insight. Finally, someone saw her. "Thank you."

"Of course." He shifted to look at her head on. "But, Donna, I've gotta ask... Is this really where you want to be right now?"

She dropped her gaze to the plaid bedspread, and twisted her wedding ring with one hand. "No." She said softly.

"I didn't think so."

"I'm married. God, what the hell am I doing? I left my mentally unstable husband alone on Christmas to deal with his PTSD diagnosis."

He shrugged. "Yeah. There's really no getting around that."

"I took his son with me!"

"You did."

"Oh my god." She groaned. "I have to go home."

"Only if you want to."

"I do." She replied immediately. "I really do. I need to see him." She got up off the bed, indicating that immediate action was necessary.

"Okay, let's calm down."

"No, really, Manny. I fucked up, I have to go home."

"Okay, so, you have to go home."

"Today. Now."

"Alright. We'll call the airport, see what we can get."

"It's Christmas Eve, Manny."

"If we can't get a plane, then a bus, or a train. It'll be okay."

"What about Noah?"

"We can keep him here, if you want."

Her eyes widened. "Really?"

"Sure."

"But, I don't know if I'll be able to get back here, and-"

"I have a conference at Yale a few days into the New Year, anyway. I'll drop him with Ruth, that's not as bad a drive for you, is it?"

Her lower lip trembled. "Manny, I can't ask all that of you."

"You didn't. And it's settled."

"Do you know how to set up his car seat?"

"Not now, Donna."

"You're right. I need to find a way home." She beamed at him. "Oh, thank you, Manny."

"Hey, I'm always here for this kind of stuff, you know that." He stood up as well, giving her a smile. "You'll tell Josh we're all rooting for him, yeah?"

"Of course."

"And you. We're all rooting for you. Always."

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

 **There's a chapter I'm working on for A Collection that really develops Donna's family. I'm pretty excited about it. This is just a taste ;)**

 **Thanks for reading! Please review!**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Hey guys, I've got an update for you this manic Monday. Thanks for all of your feedback so far, it's been wonderful! I hope you're enjoying this story.**

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

Donna gets in at around seven that night - Christmas Eve. The airport is aglow with lights and garlands, and every corner she turns she is presented with the sight of a cheery reunion or a family rushing to collect their luggage and be on their way. She brushes past these scenes hurriedly, her suitcase hurtling behind her.

The flight had cost an arm and a leg, but she isn't thinking about that now. _It will be worth it,_ she hopes.

She hails a cab outside the terminal.

"Where to?"

She hesitates. Surely they'd have let him off by now, it's Christmas Eve. But if he'd thought he had no one to come home to... "The White House." She hedges her bets.

The cabdriver blinks in surprise, but doesn't say anything.

She arrives soon thereafter, and is comforted by the building's familiar glow. She pays the cabbie and bids him happy holidays before making her intrepid way to the gate.

"Lionel. They haven't let you off yet?"

"Not yet, miss. You going in?"

"Afraid so."

"You're kidding. Josh is still here?"

"Isn't he always?"

"Fair enough. How's the kid?"

"He's good. With his grandparents." _In Wisconsin_ , she doesn't add.

"Ah. Well, have a good one. Hope you're not here too long."

"You and me both."

"Drag him out kicking and screaming if you have to."

"I'll do my best."

"Merry Christmas."

"You too, Lionel." She makes her way inside, self conscious of the suitcase she's dragging with her. The agents that check it are trained to make no expression as they rifle through her clothes and other belongings, but she knows they must be curious.

She hurries past them into the lobby, eyes down.

"Donna?"

She looks up to find Leo McGarry watching her from one of the armchairs. She feels herself smile in relief. "Leo."

"I'm surprised to see you, kid."

"Back at you." He has the day's paper propped open on his lap. He's not working, she realizes. "He's still in there?"

"Fraid so."

"You're waiting for him? Leo..." Her voice chokes up suddenly. She should've known. In her absence, he wouldn't be entirely alone. "You didn't have to do that."

Leo shrugs uncomfortably. "Yeah, well." He sits forward in his chair as if to get up. "We could tell him you're here, you know, I'm sure he'd be keener to wrap things up."

"No, no." She says quickly. "I wouldn't want to do that. I'll just... Wait."

"Okay. Come join me." He nods at the chair next to his easily.

"Thanks." She stows her suitcase awkwardly beside the chair. She sits on the edge of her seat, hands knit tightly in her lap.

"I thought I heard you went to Wisconsin." He says bluntly.

"I did."

"Ah." He says shortly. He saves them both the awkwardness of prying any further. He shifts uneasily, and flutters the paper in his lap. "It's good you're here."

"I thought so."

"He'll be okay, you know, I'm sure of it."

"You think?"

"Oh, yeah. He hasn't woken up facedown in a parking lot yet, so." He shrugs again. "I guess we caught it early."

She smiles at his familiar way of tackling things head on. "Right."

"That's not to say I'm not worried about the kid."

"Of course."

"But he's got you. And Noah. That's always good. I had that too, sure, but... Not like this."

She furrows her brow, unsure what he's getting at. "Leo, I'm not sure..."

"When I went through it, you know. I had Jenny and Mal, of course. But Jenny didn't want to be around any of that. And who could blame her? She figured one time scraping me off the ground was enough. And I agree with her."

She recalls that Leo is a veteran, and for the first time the pieces click together. He'd been shot down once, Josh had told her. Alcoholism had been in his family, sure, but she is beginning to see that he had more than enough reasons to drink. "Leo, I'm so sorry."

He waves a hand dismissively. "Don't be." He taps his hand restlessly against the arm of his chair. "All I'm trying to say is, it's good of you. Jenny wouldn't be here like this."

Donna bites her lip. She tries not to think about how tempted she'd been to not be here. If she'd almost ducked out now, what would she have done had he went much further down this path - Leo's path? Jenny's method of distance is appealing, she knows.

 _But I came back_ , she reminds herself. _I came back._ She would always come back.

"Thanks, Leo." She says softly.

"I know it's gotta be rough on you, huh?" He acknowledges.

She smiles dryly. "Who, me? No, these past six months have been one long, smooth ride."

He chuckles. "I'm sure."

"No, it's been... It has been hard. On both of us."

"Yeah." He nods sympathetically.

"But really, Leo, I have to thank you. For all you've done. Truly, you've been amazing."

He looks up at her in surprise. "You don't have to thank me."

"Yes, I do." She insists, suddenly intent on vocalizing the gratitude she's been carrying with her for too long. She'd kept quiet, because she figured he knew. But as she is learning, leaving things unsaid is never wise. "Ever since you convinced the President not to fire him after the whole Mary Marsh debacle, you've saved our lives pretty regularly."

He smiles uncomfortably. "I wouldn't say _regularly_ -"

"After the shooting, during his recovery, hell, last week..." This is the first time they've discussed his episode in the Oval Office.

"That wasn't just me." He refutes. "The President was with me on that one, completely."

"Still. You've been... Amazing." She finishes with an earnest smile. "Truly."

"Well..." He hesitates, still obviously reluctant to accept the praise. "You're welcome."

She grins. "I'm glad."

"But honestly, if it wasn't for you two..." He shakes his head, still smiling. "Without you and Margaret mothering me incessantly through my divorce-" she ducks her head guiltily, "-or Josh doing everything short of breaking the law to see that my reputation remained intact through the scandal last year, I don't know. I don't know what I would've done." He shakes his head again, seemingly bemused.

"It was nothing-" she starts.

"It was something. That's for sure. Inviting me over for dinner, letting me sit around with your kid 'cause I don't have any grandkids of my own... Well, let's face it. I was going through a time when I wasn't really with my family. But you sure made it feel like I still had one."

She heats up under his acknowledgement. She hadn't thought he'd noticed their efforts. Sure, he noticed when Josh and Sam went to go see a hooker for some ammo against his enemies, or the time word had gotten around about Josh shoving the guy who lead the Claypool deposition into a wall for his comments about Leo. But she'd thought the efforts she lead, more quiet and subtle, had passed under his cluttered radar. "We were happy to do it, Leo."

"Well, I'm glad to hear that." He gives her that familiar, wizened smile that makes her feel safe and warm.

"The invitation stands, by the way. To come to dinner and sit around with Noah."

He nods. "And I intend to take you up on it, frequently."

"Good."

"He's mad about you and the kid, you know. You're all he talks about." He says off-handedly.

She looks down at her lap, and tries to stop herself from playing with her wedding ring. "Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. Just crazy about you. And I can see why. You've got a good thing going, you two."

"I like to think so." And she wants it to be good again. As soon as possible.

"Seriously. Can't make it through a damn meeting without him talking about the word he accidentally taught Noah, or the new show you're forcing him to watch."

She laughs. "Sounds annoying."

"God, like you wouldn't believe." Leo snorts.

They settle into a thick silence, both of their minds drifting down the hall. Eventually, Leo clears his throat.

"I was, uh, working on the crossword. Think you could help me out? I know you've got a knack for... Trivia, and all that."

"As do you."

"Well, sure. Never hurts to have two minds, though."

"I'd love to."

They spend the rest of the time comfortably working together on the crossword, discussing bits of trivia and history. It is good for both of them, the distraction.

Soon enough, Stanley Keyworth emerges from the West Wing, looking tired and eager to leave. He notices them both and reluctantly passes near them without ceasing his movement toward the exit.

"Hey, you two. He should be out any minute, he was just getting his stuff together."

"That's great."

"I thought you were in Wisconsin, Donna."

"I was."

"Ah." His eyes twinkle knowingly. "He's going to be fine, by the way."

"Thank you, Stanley."

He waves. "Just doing my job."

As he leaves, Donna turns to Leo hurriedly. "I'm going to go step into the hall."

He knits his brow. "Why?"

"Because I'm sure you have things to say to him. And if I'm here... It just won't happen. He'll be too distracted, wanting to apologize, etcetera..." She grabs her coat and rounds the corner, allowing him no time to protest.

"Donna, you don't have to..." He trails off as she disappears around the corner, and Josh appears around the other. He is glad that she'd been so perceptive - he did have things to say, and is grateful for the moments alone.

Donna first goes to get Josh's coat from his office, and then listens from the hall. She is unprepared for the wave of relief that crashes over upon hearing his voice, an affirmation that he is alive. She smiles at his familiar attempts at humor ("they think I may have an eating disorder," "a fear of rectangles... That's normal, right?"). By the time Leo finishes his "I've been down here before, and I know the way out" speech, she's near a puddle of tears. She hastily pulls herself together as Leo asks whether he wrapped his own hand.

"Yeah, why?"

"Yeah, Donna's gonna take you to the hospital."

"I don't need to go to the..." Leo's words catch up with him. "Wait, Donna's in Wisconsin, Leo, I'm not-"

Having a certain flair for the dramatic, she emerges from the hall. She tries very hard to deadpan "Hi honey, I'm home," but a slight smile intercedes. She sees Leo grin out of the corner of her eye.

"You're..." His eyes widen, and in them she can see pain, but also burgeoning hope. He smiles, deeply awed. "Hi."

"Hi." She echoes nervously.

He crosses the space between them in three strides, and pulls her roughly into his arms. "I'm sorry." He mutters.

"It's okay."

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." He continues in a soft and constant stream, needing her to understand.

She smiles into his shoulder. "It's okay. Really."

Eventually, she manages to pull back and look at him, trying to communicate a wealth of things with just a look. She hasn't been so good at that lately.

He looks exhausted. And afraid. But he looks _here_ , at least - and he hasn't looked that way in a while.

"We're going to the hospital now."

"I don't need a doctor."

"Are you a doctor?"

"No."

"So be quiet." She looks over at Leo, standing awkwardly a few feet away and pretending not to have been watching their reunion. "Goodnight, Leo."

"Goodnight, you two."

"Hey, thanks, Leo." Josh adds sincerely.

"Don't mention it." He starts back to his office to get his coat.

"Merry Christmas, Leo."

"You too."

They watch him leave before turning back to each other, somewhat hesitantly.

"You're back."

"I am." She affirms.

"Why?"

"Because." She purses her lips. "I couldn't very well _miss_ you going off the rails, could I?"

He smiles. "I guess not."

"Well, there ya go." They could have the serious talk later. Surely he's tired of them by now.

"Noah?" He asks hopefully, looking around suddenly as though she might have left their baby hidden in some corner of the lobby.

"He's still in Wisconsin."

"Oh." He wilts noticeably.

She loops her arm through his and pulls him toward the exit. "C'mon. It'll be okay."

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

"So tell me, what lead you to put your hand through a window?"

"I... Uh..."

Seeing that he's obviously struggling, Donna jumps in with a lighthearted, "Well, sometimes the marriage gets a little stale, and we've gotta add a sense of danger."

Josh rolls his eyes. "That is not what happened."

"Sure, sweetie." Donna placates.

"She's lying. She does it chronically."

The nurse smiles as she carefully threads the second stitch through his hand. "Uh huh."

"I was, um, putting something up. By the window."

"Yeah. We get a lot of these around the holidays."

"Right." He tries to avoid looking at his sliced hand. Donna sits beside him, his other hand wrapped in hers.

"How long have you two been married?"

"Two years next month."

"That's not long for things to start going stale." The nurse jokes.

"I know. I suspect it'll be over within a year." Donna says with amusement. She bumps her shoulder into Josh's, trying her best to keep up her peppy distraction.

"Any kids?"

"One." Donna says proudly, automatically reaching for her wallet to show off her son.

The nurse examines the picture while taking off her gloves. "He's a real looker."

"We like to think so."

"I'll be right back to give it a fresh bandage." She smiles and heads out the door.

"See, medical care isn't really so bad." Donna says cheerfully in her absence. "It even saves lives sometimes, but you wouldn't know."

"Mm."

"You might even get a lollipop out of it."

"I'm not five, Donnatella."

"Of course not." She notices that he does not rise to her teasing with his usual enthusiasm. "What's wrong?"

 _As if he needs to tell me_ , she thinks. But his answer surprises her.

"I've been a really shit father lately."

"No you haven't." She says reflexively.

"Donna."

"You've been... Preoccupied." She puts it delicately.

"I wasn't aware parents were afforded that luxury. I mean, you get 'preoccupied' while you're walking your kid to the bus stop, and he wanders into the road..."

"You'll never be that preoccupied."

"You don't know that."

"I really do."

He shrugs.

"Now I've said this before, but I think it bears repeating: you know parents are just people, right? Normal people that had kids. There are no special qualifications, or skills-"

"There should be."

"But there aren't. We're just people doing the best we can."

"It hasn't been good enough."

"Josh..."

"The least you can do as a father is be around some. Thankfully the bar's pretty low as far as dads go, but I haven't even been doing that." He says bitterly.

"We all fall off the job sometimes, but-"

"And it must've been really hard for you." He interrupts, turning to look at her. She can't just blindly forgive him. He won't allow it.

"I..." She gives in. "Yeah. It has been."

"I'm sorry." He says, maybe for the fiftieth time that night.

"It's okay." She says, and she means it this time.

"It's not."

"You'll make it okay. You will go to the ends of the earth, plagued by guilt, until you make it okay. Beyond okay, even. That's your M.O., remember?"

He smiles slightly. "Right."

The nurse bustles back in with a roll of gauze. "Okay. Last part."

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

They settle into the cold car after a brief argument about who'll drive. She's about to pull out of their space when he says, "So, you finally fulfilled your fantasy of leaving me, huh?"

She turns to look at him, and sees he's smiling faintly. It is an ongoing joke with the two of them; the trope of the restless young wife picking up and leaving to live out the reckless youth she'd sacrificed. It is easier to joke about it themselves than have others speculate about it in whispers. "Finally."

"You took the kid, though."

"Yes. A slight variation on my original plan."

"Hm." The joke isn't very funny to either of them right now.

She decides it's time to stop skating around it. He doesn't deserve that. Softly, she confesses, "I do think about leaving, sometimes."

"I figured." He says dully, staring out the front window.

"But I never do." She continues forcefully. "Do you want to know why?"

"Sure." He responds, not seeming too invested in her answer.

"Because. It's not about you. The leaving wouldn't be, anyway."

"Oh yeah?" He asks skeptically.

"It would be about... Not wanting to dress someone else in the morning. It would be about wanting to do what I want to do, and only that. It would be about not being tied to one place, or one thing..." She loves her job, and she loves her family. She even loves dressing Noah, despite his strong aversion to socks.

But everything comes at a price. For her, it was the independence she'd only just started to taste after escaping Roy.

"But it wouldn't be about you."

"Right." He doesn't sound convinced.

"And I never go through with it. I never could. Because I know, and you should know, that I'll always just end up back here."

He chances a glance over at her, to find her gazing at him earnestly.

"I hate how much I love you guys sometimes, because I know it means I'll never be able to live without you. I'd go maybe five days before I turned back up at the apartment." She smiles. "Maybe it all happened a little soon, but at the end of the day... This is what I would've wanted anyway. This life. With you."

He believes her. She shouldn't have needed to say all that - he should've known. He lets go of his sullenness and grabs her hand. "I know, Donna."

"Well... Good."

"Let's go home."

She takes a deep breath. "Right." She pulls her hand out of his and backs out of their parking space without looking at him.

"I love you, by the way." In case that wasn't clear.

She smiles softly. "Yeah, I know."

They drive home in an exhausted silence, and drag themselves in the door of their freezing apartment.

"I should really fix that window." He mutters.

"In the morning." She tells him, tugging him to bed with one hand.

They sleep close together for warmth, and other reasons. She listens to his heartbeat. She is boundlessly grateful that it is still beating, and that she is there to hear it.

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

 **We're almost there! I'd say we've got maybe one more chapter to go, and then an epilogue.**

 **Thanks for reading, and please review :)**

 **Much love to all of you, and I hope all of you that are in storm-affected areas are safe!**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Hey all! Here we are, our tenth and final chapter (except for the epilogue). I hope you guys enjoy it! Thanks for sticking with me.**

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

Upon waking up, Donna is at first frightened by the empty stretch of bed beside her. But then she hears something fall, followed by a muttered "Oh, fuck" which tells her that her husband is definitely still in the apartment. She takes her time in getting out of bed, deterred by the frigid air. She finally manages to drag herself out of her warm cocoon, and stops by the dresser on her way out the door to put on another sweatshirt and a second pair of socks.

She shuffles into the living room, and is thrown by the scene that greets her. "Um."

Josh whirls around from where he's standing at the window, a roll of duct tape in one hand. "Oh, hey."

"Hey." She says blearily. Just to be sure she's not hallucinating, she rubs one eye with the heel of her hand. "Um."

He follows her gaze to the middle of their living room. "Ah. Yes." He says as if just recalling the object's presence.

"You've been... Busy."

"Yeah." He smiles sheepishly. "What do you think?"

Slowly, a grin spreads across her face. "Wow."

"Good wow?"

"Good wow." She affirms.

He grins, relieved. "Merry Christmas."

Right. It's Christmas. "Where did you get it?"

"Mm?" He doesn't meet her gaze.

"Josh. It's Christmas. Where could you possibly have gotten a tree?" The tree is admittedly, a little small. But it's still full, and nice, and even totally decorated. She scrutinizes the decorations. _Wait. Those aren't ours._

"Well." He raises his hands in a preemptive defense. "I want you to remember that I did this all for you."

"Josh."

"The Walkers are out of town for the next week. And they leave their key under their mat..."

"Oh my god!" She gapes at him. "You _stole_ a Christmas tree?"

"Stole is a strong word-"

"You're the grinch! You're actually the grinch. Breaking into people's houses, taking their Christmas cheer!" But even as she scolds him, she can't help a slight smile.

"They said Noah had an unusually large head! They deserve it!"

"Noah _does_ have an unusually large head." She points out. though she does hold the same poor regard for the Walkers as Josh does.

"Still! And, anyway, I'll have it back by the time they get home. They'll never even know it was gone."

"Felon." She's now grinning shamelessly. Few men committed felonies for her, after all.

"Yeah, well." He drops his duct tape on the couch and makes his way over to her. He stops in front of her and rests his hands on her arms. "I didn't notice it until I got up this morning, but... You didn't get a tree this year."

It's her turn to avoid eye contact. "Well... I knew I'd get to enjoy the one back home some this season, and-"

"Donna."

"Well." She sighs. "I couldn't exactly get it in the door by myself, could I?"

"And you didn't want to ask me." He finishes for her softly.

"Well, you were busy-" she protests.

"It's okay, Donna. I get it." He smiles sadly. "I'm just trying to... Fix it."

She returns his smile earnestly. "Well, I love it."

"I'm glad."

She stretches up to kiss him briefly. When she settles back to the floor, she squints over his shoulder. "So what were you doing with the duct tape?"

"Ah. I'm fixing the window."

"Right."

"Alright, I may not be doing a great job, but..."

"No, no, duct tape is always a great start." She says, holding back a laugh.

"Hey, at least I'm doing something. Just how many sweatshirts are you wearing right now?"

She looks down. "Um. Three." She mutters.

"Right. See, something had to be done."

"You really have been busy." She says appreciatively. "The whole rest and relaxation thing..."

"That was never an option."

"Right." She worries her lip.

He reads the source of her anxiety. He runs his hands up and down her arms. "Hey, it's okay. This is just what I do. It's not, you know, mania, if that's what you were wondering."

She smiles half-heartedly. "No, I know. I know this is what you do."

"Right."

"How's your hand?"

"Fine." He says dismissively.

She ignores this and stretches out her own hand, palm up. He rolls his eyes and gives her his hand for her inspection. She scrutinizes the bandage, which is still intact and clean. "Hm."

"I told you it's fine."

"Okay. I approve."

"There's coffee in the pot. You know, to warm you up."

"Thanks. Don't hurt yourself."

"No promises."

She squeezes his hand gently and shuffles off into the kitchen, trying to sort through her muddled thoughts. It feels strange not to head immediately into the nursery - or to have been awoken by Noah already. She pours herself a cup of coffee, glad to have something warm to hold onto.

She settles into a chair at the kitchen table, and picks up yesterday's paper with detachment. She flips through it without really reading, slowly draining her mug.

Eventually, she's snapped out of her reverie by a plain white envelope landing with a soft thud atop the article she'd been staring at. She looks up to find Josh pulling out the chair across from her.

"What's this?"

"It's your Christmas present."

She blinks, surprised. "You really went all out with the wrapping, huh?"

"I didn't have a lot of time."

"What is it, a check? Are you buying me off for something?"

He smiles. "No."

"Divorce papers, then? You're finally through with me?" She holds it up to the light teasingly.

"Will you just open it?"

"You've got plenty to open, too, you know. My parents went a little overboard shopping for their 'favorite son-in-law' this year."

"That's nice. I'll get to it later."

"You really want me to open this, don't you?"

"Whenever it's convenient, dear." He says, alerting her to his true irritation with the term 'dear,' which he only ever uses in sarcasm.

She smiles. "Okay. I'm opening it." She makes a big show of taking her time carefully undoing the seal, not damaging the envelope. He rolls his eyes. "It's... Um... They're copies of plane tickets."

"They are."

"To Hawaii."

"Correct again. You're so bright."

"You're... When did you get these?"

"Had 'em faxed over this morning. Made the phone call pretty early."

"You... Wow."

"I know, it's... A lot. But I was thinking, you know, we've been married for almost two years."

"Right."

"And, well. We never had a honeymoon."

She finally breaks her stare at the tickets to look at him. "Well, I guess you're right."

"I am."

"But, we were busy." She says defensively. "It was the first hundred days, and then it was the baby, and then there was Roslyn, and then midterms, and-"

"I know. Believe me, I know. I'm just saying... Maybe now is a good time."

"Now? Seriously?" She smiles incredulously. "You can't be serious."

"Donna. It'll never be a good time."

She looks down, knowing he's right. "But..."

"And the week in between Christmas and New Year's? While Congress is in recess? There's no better time." He grins, selling her with his eyes. "C'mon. I know you've always wanted to go."

She bites her lip. "You always do this."

"Do what?"

"You make me do things. Stupid things. With that stupid look. That same look that made me get married at midnight on a Tuesday."

He looks offended. "Hey, you think marrying me was stupid?"

"Yes! It was stupid, and impulsive, and irrational. It was the stupidest decision of my life." Her gaze softens. "Though it was also the best."

He grins again. "See? Worked out great. So, come to Hawaii with me."

"That's just it! You do these big things, you know. That make me forget that I'm twenty-three and pregnant, or that you're going crazy, and you haven't really talked to me in weeks." His confidence deflates slightly in guilt. She takes his hand placatingly. "Listen, it's sweet, but... You _are_ buying me off."

"But that's just it! I'm not!"

"Josh."

"I'm serious." He says sincerely. "This isn't supposed to distract you from the past few weeks. It's an apology."

"I don't want an apology. And I don't want some big gesture band-aid fix."

"It isn't. This is about the fact I don't want to be here right now. I don't want to hide in my office anymore, okay? I don't want to avoid you, or shut you out, or... I'm just sorry."

"It's okay." She says softly. "And like I said, I don't want an apology." She shrugs. "I just want you to talk to me."

"That's what I want too. I want to spend a whole week, away from the White House, with you. Preferably with some great scenery." He leans forward earnestly. "And I'll tell you whatever it is you want to know."

She feels her will breaking. That does sound wonderful. "Really?"

"Really. The only reason I didn't tell you before..." He sighs. "I just didn't want to worry you."

She snorts. "Oh yeah?"

He smiles wryly. "Yeah, I know. It backfired. But the intentions were there. You were just so worried after the shooting, I just... I didn't want to bring it all back up."

She nods. "I appreciate that."

"But, seriously. Whatever you want to know."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." He smiles and reaches out to brush a strand of hair out of her face. "And, while we're at it, you can go ahead and tell me how you're thinking about putting a lo-jack on me."

Her eyes widen. "What?"

"Manny called this morning. To check on you."

She doesn't meet his eyes. "Oh."

"I mean, separation anxiety from Noah is understandable, but you? Donna, c'mon."

"I know."

"Donna? I'm joking."

"Right. Right, I know."

"It's really understandable."

"Really?"

"Donna, if you were shot, I'd never let you leave the house again. Seriously."

"...Am I supposed to be flattered by that?"

He shrugs. "Take it as you will."

"Don't you think you're enabling me? Spending a whole week with me? What if I get too attached to you?"

"Is that a yes?"

"I have always wanted to go to Hawaii."

"I know you have. I was thinking about Europe, but then I thought about how you'd be dragging me to all these historical sights, and lecturing me with your weird factoids, and we'd be so busy fitting in everything you wanted to see that we wouldn't actually have any time together." He grins. The thought is actually somewhat tempting. He can see it now, his wife with six guide books and dorky tourist clothing, rushing ahead of him and rolling her eyes when he was distracted. But he thought it might be better in the summer.

"Me?" She says incredulously. "Yeah right. You'd be the one dragging me to all these homes of ancient dead guys to talk about all their political philosophies, or whatever."

"We'd have a really good time in Europe."

"We would." She agrees. "But Hawaii? Probably better for rest and relaxation."

"My thoughts exactly."

She pretends to deliberate a moment longer. "Okay. It's a yes."

"Yes?"

"Yes." She grins indulgently. "Of course, yes. We both knew I'd cave eventually."

"Think of how warm you'll be this time tomorrow."

"Oh god." She shivers in anticipation. "It'll be glorious."

She pulls him toward her for a kiss. She's excited about the trip, sure. But mostly she's happy about the way he's been looking at her. Not hazy, or detached. He is here, driving her crazy once again with grand gestures and obnoxious grins. He's back.

"I have to start packing."

"We don't leave for another four hours, Donna."

"Still." She stands up breathlessly.

"Did I hear a 'Thanks, Josh' somewhere in there?" He teases.

She stops in the doorway and rolls her eyes before going back to kiss him again. "Thanks, Josh."

"Merry Christmas."

"It is, isn't it?"

"Marrying me was really the stupidest decision you ever made?" He calls as she heads into the bedroom.

He can hear the smile in her voice as she calls back, "The absolute dumbest."

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

 _Ten days later_

They pull up outside the modest two story Connecticut home, made picturesque by the snow and remaining holiday lights, which Ruth had doubtless sweet talked some teen in the neighborhood into putting up for her.

Josh is out of the car a split second after turning it off. Donna smiles and follows at a more reasonable pace. By the time they're halfway up the path, the door flings open and a little boy toddles as fast as he can down the steps, closely followed by a little Jewish woman.

"Noah, your coat-" she starts doggedly.

But he's already reached the last step, and flings himself upward, sure that his father will catch him.

He does. Grinning widely, he hugs Noah to him, and buries his face in his curls. "Hey, little man."

Noah giggles and babbles happily.

"God, I missed you so much."

Donna sidles up behind him, and places one hand on his shoulder. She waits patiently for her turn to hug her son. She smiles up at Ruth, who is watching the reunion with a tender smile. She'd been worried.

"How was Hawaii?"

"Beautiful. How's Noah been?"

"Beautiful." She grins.

Donna runs her hand gently over Josh's back. He is still holding Noah tightly, eyes closed. "Better?" She asks.

Voice choked, he affirms, "Better."

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

 **Phew. It's over. I'm glad. Aren't you guys? I hate it when my faves are in pain.**

 **Now we've just got the epilogue to go, and I'm pretty excited about it. I like it, and I feel like it really rounds out the story. So look out for that!**

 **Also, after this, I'm thinking about continuing this AU with some other stories. Not immediately, as I have some other things to work on, but eventually. I'd like to have a cute little married-with-kids during the Bartlet years AU to mess around with. It should be fun.**

 **Anyway, I'd like to have a name for this AU series when I continue it. Something cute. But I have no idea - I'm bad with names. Do you guys have any ideas? If so, please leave them in the reviews! I'd love to pick a few favorites and take a vote.**

 **Love you guys, have a great weekend!**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: What is up with me this week? I'm just churning out content ;) Let's hope I can keep it up.**

 **Thank you so much to all of you who have kept up with this story. I've greatly enjoyed your feedback and support. I love you guys! I hope you enjoy this last piece.**

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

 _Four years later_

One moment, the children are coloring peacefully; Noah on an assignment for school, and Elise on scrap paper that is probably a classified briefing memo. But at least they're quiet. That is until Noah spills a large tube of glitter glue over the table and onto his sister's drawing, and all hell breaks loose. She begins to scream, and cry, and Noah begins to yell, and paper is ripped, and glue is further dispersed, and hitting and biting (Elise's favorite bad habit) soon follow. At least one of them has yelled " _Moooooommmmm!_ " several times, but for the life of her, Donna can't move.

She stands in the kitchen, staring out over the counter, the walls rapidly closing in.

The thing is, she's not so good at this anymore. The moments when things go from tranquil to chaotic in a split second. Whereas she was once able to turn on a dime, to tackle and diffuse situations with ease and in stride, she now finds herself constantly floundering. She is always two steps behind.

Josh appears from somewhere and lifts one of them off the other, subjected to a fair bit of screaming and hitting himself. Before she knows what she's doing, she leaves the kitchen, turning into the first door on the hall. She closes the bathroom door behind her and sinks onto the cold tile floor, breathing ragged.

She pulls her knees up to her chest and rests her forehead against them, hoping that by condensing herself as much as possible, she will be able to contain this.

Lately, she feels unable to contain anything.

Maybe ten minutes later, the screaming has ceased, and the turmoil inside of her begins to die down too. Before she's calmed down, though, Josh lets himself in, closes the door behind him, and sinks onto the floor beside her without hesitation.

"Hey." He greets casually.

She doesn't respond.

He places a hand on her shoulder, and begins to gently rub her back. "I know, kids, right? They're monsters."

She doesn't say anything, but her breathing begins to even out.

"But, still, Donna, c'mon. You're being a little hysterical, don't you think? But then, I was warned. Blondes are hysterical. You know who told me that? Your Uncle Henry, at our wedding reception. He said that blondes just love drama. They're constantly in hysterics. What a wise man. Should've listened to him."

"You're not going to get me to laugh." She chokes out.

"I'll settle for a smile."

That, she can manage. The corner of her mouth quirks up, barely visible.

"It's okay. Just breathe. Might be easier if you weren't so balled up, but you can work on that when you're ready. Just breathe for now."

It is so unlike the personality he usually projects, this calm and soothing side of him. Few are lucky enough to have seen it, but she is semi-familiar with it. She has seen it when he is reassuring Noah after a scraped knee, or soothing a crying baby. She has even seen it used for her sake, when she was lying in a hospital bed, and later on an operating table, earlier that year.

She breathes, in and out. In and out. "I'm sorry." She mutters.

"Don't be."

"But I-"

"Donna. It's okay." He puts his arm around her shoulders and pulls her toward him. She readily collapses against him, burying her head in his chest.

"I'm a terrible mother." She says, voice muffled.

"No you're not."

"I am." She refutes miserably.

"You really aren't. You're having a rough time of it right now, but hey, that's what I'm here for."

"I'm sorry."

"For what? If I can put a hole through our window while our infant son is sleeping and still be an okay father, you've really got nothing to apologize for."

"Josh-"

"That's not me feeling guilty, by the way. That's just a reminder that we all fuck up." He smiles softly. "In fact, a very wise person once told me that parents are just people doing the best they can."

She half-smiles again. "Was it Gandhi?"

"Yeah. It was Gandhi."

"Okay."

"Donna, you're the greatest mother I know. Hands down."

"I'm going to tell Ruth you said that."

"So be it." He runs his hand over her arm. "Seriously. You've gone above and beyond the call for six years. I think I can allow you this one. In fact, I think you're entitled to several hundred more of these before I can start to complain."

She sighs. "I hate this."

"I know you do."

"I feel... Helpless."

"It really sucks, doesn't it?"

She nods. She breathes deeply for a few more minutes, allowing the worst of the storm to pass. "How are you so calm about all of this?" She asks, finally.

He shrugs. "To use Leo's words, 'I've been down here before. And I know the way out.'"

"Still."

"I don't know. I guess it's different. We were in uncharted territory then. We were still struggling to deal with the fact that we were parents when Roslyn happened. And I don't blame you for freaking out, it must've been terrifying. All of it. And I didn't make it easy."

"It wasn't your fault."

"Yeah, well."

"And I'm not exactly making it easy now."

He shrugs again. "Well, it's not your fault either. And at least we've got the rest of our lives sorted out this time, you know? Most of it, anyway. That helps."

"Right."

"That's not to say I'm not worried. 'Cause I am."

"I know." She says softly. It had been hard on him in the same way that it had been hard on her. He hated to be away from her. He grew anxious when she didn't answer her phone, or she wasn't in her office. He woke sometimes in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, having relived the worst night of his entire life - Roslyn used to hold claim to that title, but had been usurped by the night he hadn't known if his wife would live or die.

"Really worried. Crazy, neurotic, you-levels of worry."

"Right."

"But you kept it together for me. So, here I am."

"I didn't keep it all together. I left."

"Why is everything a competition with you? We can't keep score here, Donnatella, because it won't come out in my favor. I'm not leaving, okay? Try as you might, you're not getting rid of me."

She smiles, swallowing guilt. "I'm glad."

"Good." He starts to play with her hair. "It's going to be okay, alright? It'll be fine."

"Well, if you say so."

"I do." He starts his next sentence carefully. "I think you should see someone."

Her brow furrows. "That's not a very nice thing to say to your wife."

"Donna..."

She sighs. "Maybe you're right."

He relaxes at her agreement, and tries another attempt at humor. "I've always thought you were crazy. Now I've finally got my chance to ship you off to a shrink."

"Blondes and their hysteria, right?"

"Right." Half-serious, he offers, "And we could go away, if you wanted. Finally do Europe."

She chuckles dryly. "No, thanks."

"Okay. Well, standing offer. We could ship the kids off, just say the word." He jokes.

"Someday our children would have to reconcile the fact that every time either one of us is having a mental breakdown, we 'ship them off'."

"Mm. Someday Noah's going to learn how to subtract nine months from his birthday, and he'll have to reconcile the fact that we had a shotgun wedding."

She grins. "And someday they'll both be able to do that, and they'll figure out that we get reckless on election nights."

"Hey, Elise probably wasn't conceived on election night."

"You're right. Being conceived on Halloween is a much more romantic story."

"That was your fault!"

" _My_ fault?"

"Yeah. The costume. I couldn't help myself."

She snorts. "Oh yeah. That's my fault."

"Yeah." They settle into a lull, thinking about all of the decisions that have led them to today. All of the moments that have made them. "But, we did okay, you know." He says seriously.

"Right." She doesn't feel like she's doing so okay right now. Brusquely, she sits up, ready to move on. "So, the kids are okay?"

He doesn't totally buy into her distraction. He takes her hand tenderly. "Yeah, they're okay. In holding, presently."

"In timeout?"

"Yeah. I think Elise was ready to fall asleep though, so I don't know how much she's 'thinking about what she did'."

She looks at him closely for the first time. "You've got glitter glue on your shirt."

"Oh, yeah. Cleaned the table, though."

"And in your hair! God, Josh."

He smiles sheepishly. "I was thinking that my look could use a little pizazz."

She bites her lip, and blinks rapidly to fight back welling tears of profound gratitude. She reaches out a hand to touch the side of his face. "I don't deserve you."

"That's my line." He bats back easily, but his gaze warms. He grabs her outstretched hand and presses her knuckles to his lips.

A single tear spills over. "I love you." She says softly.

"I know. I love you too." His eyes move hesitantly to the door. "It's quiet out there." He says suspiciously.

"Too quiet." She agrees.

"I should probably go check that Noah didn't find the safety scissors, and, you know, give Elise an impromptu haircut." He'd done it to the neighbor's dog, once.

"Probably."

He stands and helps her up with him. He hesitates with his hands in hers, staring into her watery eyes. "It gets better." He feels the need to reassure her.

"Thanks." She purses her lips. "When did you get so good at handling crazy, by the way?"

He could make a joke about how she's always been crazy, and today is just a new level. But he doesn't. "Learned from the best." He murmurs, and leans in to kiss her forehead.

She had held the pieces together for him. And now, he is determined to do the same for her.

"You're so full of it." She jokes as he opens the door, trying to hide how touched she is.

He shrugs, smiling. "Maybe."

 **XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

 **And that's a wrap! :) Thanks to your enthusiasm, I plan to write in this AU again (title TBD) so look out for that. Thanks for reading!**


End file.
